I’m defaulting to my norm – criticizing myself, hiding beneath a hoodie and cigarette smoke, avoiding others, overly-focused on news events through my typical youtube channels and NYT articles. I’m withdrawing from the world, attempting to avoid what is inevitable. I smell the stench of failure everywhere I turn my head.
I start a new job this week. It’s all I can think of. I am consumed with negative thoughts. My mind is bursting with them, and they’re all pointing at how I’m not worth it, how I’ll never make it, how I’m stupid, incompetent, how they’ll see right through me, how I won’t be good enough.
Tomorrow I’m going to try – really, really, really try – to do something for me. I’m going to write or create or draw or something but it’s only going to be for me and it’s going to be something positive that I can etch into my mind and try to fight back some of these demons. Wish me luck.
I made it.
Yesterday when I got off of work, I went to a restaurant and had a nice sandwich. I drove to a friend’s house and chatted with her and her family, then went off to my therapy appointment.
Therapy helped (for once) by helping me identify that what I’d been feeling all week was anxiety. We figured out that if I can bring in a structured routine to my afternoons with the kids, it should help reduce what I’ve experiencing. Also discussed different forms of relaxation – meditation, deep breathing, calming visualizations – in addition to positive self-talk.
All of this should help if I introduce it into my life.
All through therapy I felt twisted and breathless. I was curled up in a ball on the chair and was pulling on my hair like I wanted to rip it out. Once we were done talking, I was sitting in the chair like a normal person again and though my hair was frazzled thanks to me destroying it for an hour, I actually can admit I felt a little better.
My husband works till noon today and then he is off to spend the day with us again. We are planning to go to the park and go fishing, so I’m looking forward to that. It should be a relaxing day, which I need more than anything else.
These are some of the things we talked about last night. A pseudo-list of get-well-soon advice. Things I will do to help myself get better in that tiny, take-the-edge-0ff way.
Walking – I love taking walks. I dread taking walks. Those seem like mutually exclusive statements. But really, it’s the depression that keeps me from wanting to take the walks. Motto: Just do it.
Volunteering – I’ve been wanting to volunteer for a while now, I just wasn’t sure where to start. Volunteering makes me happy.
Taking classes – in the past I’ve taken writing courses and parenting courses, both of which I loved. I joined a creative writing group once.
I think I’ll partake in these adventures again soon.
I have had a journal since I was able to write. I’ve kept most of them, aside from the pre-teen years (in fact, I think I burnt them to dispose of any evidence!) Most of the time when I write, I write about the negative things. Maybe this is because writing helps me through these experiences. Or maybe it’s just that I have a negative way of thinking.
Either way, I’ve found that when I rewrite my writings to reflect positivity and good thoughts, I find the words to be inspirational, wonderful and uplifting. So maybe in order to combat this bout of depression, I need to get more positivity in my life.
I tried replacing my negative words with words like hopeful, free, hope, happy, smile, survive, calm, at peace. Reading these words out loud helps me to realize that things are not all that bad. Because really, it’s all about perspective. We can moan on and on about our complaints of the world and our lives, but if we really try, we can see the good things that benefit us.
Tell me, how do you create positivity in your own life?