Tag Archives: parents

Never good enough

Once you are wrong, you’ll always be wrong and can never do anything right.  And if you’re right in his eyes, you can never do anything wrong.

I’m in the first category.  Ever since I was little, everything I did was wrong.  There was exasperated sighs, hands thrown up in the air, yelling, shouting, pointing.  Always, whatever I did, whatever I tried, I was wrong.

I didn’t put my shoes where they were supposed to be.
I left smudges on the mirror.
I threw a wet sock down the clothes chute and it got all the other clothes wet and what was I thinking?  Do I even think?  Ever?

I left the light on.  I shut the door too hard.  I couldn’t remember the difference between a phillips head and a flat head.  I didn’t push in my chair.  I move too fast.

I took too long.  I put us behind.  I didn’t pay attention.  My head was filled with nonsense and always somewhere else instead of where it should be.

So now, here I am again, feeling totally inept in my adult life.  I just got a job, proud of myself, and immediately, it’s:  ‘well, that’s good, that will give you time to look for a real job.’  Lights out on any shred of self-esteem I might still have had.

And now the big stuff is coming out.  For a while, there was a lull.  But now the ish has really hit the fan, so to speak.  He broke.  He called us out on all of our flaws, all of our problems, hollered and shouted and pointed and said, ‘you, you, you.’  Should have.  Don’t you think?  I’m at the end of my rope.  Lost cause.  What do you expect?

Part of me feels ashamed.  All of me feels guilty.  And responsible.  I listen to every word as though it is absolute truth.  He is absolutely right and I am absolutely wrong.  About all of it.  I’m wrong.  Wrong, wrong, wrong.  Wrong for not working harder.  Wrong for not listening.  Wrong for making bad decisions.  Wrong for not figuring it out.  Not working hard enough.  Not caring enough.  Not doing enough.  Not moving fast enough.  Wrong at every move.

I’ll never be right.  I’ll never, ever get it right.  No matter what I do or how hard I try, I will always, inevitably, be wrong.



House-Hunting? I’d Rather You Set Me on Fire.

“I’m trying to close on a house.”
“Ooooh!  That sounds exciting!” says uninformed co-worker.
…Sure.  I guess that’s one way to describe it.

If you’ve never had kids, you don’t know one damn thing about raising kids.  That’s the truth, plain and simple.  And if you’ve never bought a house before, then you really don’t know.  I’m telling you, you don’t know.

Or maybe it’s just us.  Reassure me that it is not, if it is not.  Because I’m straight up losing my mind right now.

Last night, we were moments away from putting in the offer, and the realtor calls and says, “Highest and Best Offers” by 2 pm tomorrow.  I call Dad up to tell him that news, and he gets mad and calls the realtor to yell at him (which he had promised me he would not do.)

So pretty much, everything is falling apart.  After spending 4-5 hours per day working on this house deal for the past week, neglecting my kids the whole time while pacing the house with a cell phone stuck to my face, all of it is going to boil down to a fizzle.  We’re not going to be able to draft a purchase agreement, we’re not going to be able to put in a bid, all of it will be for naught, and my husband and I will once again be back where we started.  Yet again.

This happened once before already in mid-November of last year.

The positive take on this is that by the time we actually get a home, it will have been such a battle that we will appreciate it all that much more, having struggled so hard to get there.

The negative take on this is I-can’t-do-this-again-get-the-heck-away-from-me-nobody-even-look-at-me-HEY-are-you-looking-at-me-it-looks-like-you’re-looking-at-me-leave-me-ALONE.