I saw your parents yesterday. They looked older, which always surprises me, as I always like to imagine that things stay exactly as they are whenever I’m not around. I wanted so badly to ask about you but I didn’t. Because I knew. I might have even seen it in their eyes. I no longer exist to you.
I still don’t know why and it hurts so bad. Did I do something wrong? Did I say something awful? What made you turn away from me so quickly? What movement did I make that made you jump and run? I’m so very sorry for whatever it was.
I need you back in my life, but I know you won’t be back. It’s something I haven’t yet learned how to accept. Your support, our laughter, our memories. Why did it all have to change so suddenly? Is this just how things go? If so, when will it happen again with another? These are the fears I have.
Another gone for good, only this time, it’s family. There is nothing left in your voice, nothing left to hold onto. I receive controlled glimpses of your life, parts that I can see you have thoughtfully prepared before hitting “send.” I miss the raw, open wounds we used to share, discuss, analyze till there was nothing left to pull apart. Though others try to convince me you’re still in there, I know better. I’ve seen it before, only this time, it’s closer to me than I ever would have imagined. Because it’s you.
The one who guided me. Who wrapped me up in your arms whenever I cried out. The one who knows my deepest thoughts, was with me through my most awful experiences. The one who made me laugh and laughed for me when I couldn’t find the humor in myself. I feel cheated. You’ve been stolen in the worst way. And I was the one who was robbed.
I try to follow along with the parts that you’ve selected to share. I tried to find you once, but you weren’t there and it was then that I knew you wouldn’t be back. I can’t come to terms with it, and I am positive that I never will through the rest of our lives.
To my son: I’m sorry I’ve passed this enemy onto you. I’ve seen it in you since you were first born, as we who carry it can recognize it in each other. I knew it would happen, but I didn’t know how much it would hurt for us both. Your seriousness, your wants, your needs so strong and so full of passion. They will only become more intense, though it’s hard to believe your young self can take much more. I am helpless to save you from it.
All I can do is tell you that you are smart, you are creative, you are incredible. You have a light inside you unlike any other. Your teachers comment on it. Your friends are drawn to it. Your family feels it. I cannot live without it.
Your life is not going to be easy. As often as your anger rises and falls and your joy rushes unexpectedly in boundless limits throughout you, eventually you will require maintenance to maintain a certain degree of sanity. Some feelings you will have and some things that will happen will be difficult and most won’t understand because they are not like you and I. Just promise me you will hold on. Just promise me you won’t give up. And if you do that, if you promise me, then I will, too. I will make that promise to you and we can both survive, in whatever way, shape or form we have to.
Please, make the tears stop. Please take down the sun and make it dark again so I have somewhere to hide. There are so many hours, so many minutes and seconds before the day is done and I just don’t know how to hold on till then. My consciousness hurts, like an endless pain that just won’t subside, no matter what I do.
Please cover me, give me a shell to crawl into, send me underwater so I can find relief. I’m too old to lock myself into a room. Give me the keys, let me drive far far away. I promise I’ll come back if I can find my way back home.