I got the job. They called me the same day.
All the stuff I was alluding to last night (in my last post) is right up at the forefront now. There’s not denying it. Here’s the basics: marriage in shambles, finances in disarray, family breaking apart, personal mental health going down the tubes quickly.
I should be thrilled that I got hired. But I feel nothing. I’m in a dense, heavy fog, like I’ve been sedated. It’s not just tiredness. When I’m so exhausted and sleepy that I can barely walk to my bed, as soon as I lay down I’m wide awake with thoughts.
They don’t go away. None of this is going away until it is dealt with.
I don’t have the answers. I quite honestly don’t know what to do. And I’m so godawful tired that I can’t think clearly whatsoever. Any ideas?
Posted in Bipolar Disorder, Uncategorized
Tagged bipolar disorder, depression, Family, help, Insomnia, jobs, marriage, mental health, money, parenting, tired
I’m really stressing over these next five days with the kids. Honestly all I want to do is check out. I’m not going to be able to take care of anyone because I’m struggling to even take care of myself right now.
I know I should stop thinking about escaping and should instead think of solutions. I need to prepare lists and things to do with the kids and ideas of how to handle the breakdowns that are inevitably going to happen.
Can you help me to do that? I feel like I should be able to do that myself, especially with all these stupid fucking meds I’m on but I really can’t think outside the box right now (or even inside the box.)
I feel horribly guilty that I can’t get a grip lately. I hate this mental illness so much. I often think if you had known what you were getting into you never would have married me.
I feel like I burden you with worry and stress because of all my fucking non-problem problems.
Email written but nevernn
It’s 5:39 am.
Time to Leave for Work and Not Be Late: 6:00
Things I Have Done So Far To Facilitate Leaving: none.
Went to the psych on Monday. Said I’m hypomanic. Trying hard to just ride the wave, but honestly, it’s been difficult. I’ve wanted to write the past couple of days to let you know how it’s been going, but I haven’t had a chance due to the multiple distractions I experience per each and every minute of my waking life.
– “Ohh! I’m going to write a letter to my former friend from high school who doesn’t even remember that I exist!”
– “Oooh! Let’s play Grand Theft Auto and ride the boat all the way out to sea!”
– “Oh! Let’s talk to this stranger and ask them 20 questions about their past! We’ll just see where it goes!”
– “Oh, I know! We can run-play-smash-eat-dance-shake-jump-beatbox!”
It’s been distracting, being in this mind of mine.
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