Tag Archives: happiness

Bipolar Me

There are two parts of me.  The happy me is talkative, loves to be around people, loves to encourage and motivate others, loves to be the life of the party.  The happy me loves the color of the sky and the smell of flowers and loves to touch and hold and feel.  The happy me loves to be me.

The other me is dark.  The other me likes to be underground, living unseen, hiding in corners and down dark alleys.  The other me doesn’t speak, doesn’t move, doesn’t blink.  The other me likes cemeteries and darkness and death.  The other me hates me.

There has to be a balance to survive.  Neither can go on for very long without some of the other.

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Fighting For My Happy (10 minutes later)

Oh crap.  Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap.

Negative Evil Me:  I can’t do this.
Postive, Semi-Sorta-Determined Me (in a wavering voice):  Yes, I can.Negative Evil Me:  Muah-ha-ha-ha!  You fool!
Positive, Semi-Sorta-Determined Me (in a slightly more powerful voice):  You be quiet, you…you…you…Meanie!  Leave me alone!

Reasons I am quitting:
It’s pretty much a guarantee that I will die if I don’t quit (well, we’ll all die, but I addressed that in my post yesterday) and I will die with stained, yellow teeth, dried out skin, dirty fingernails, bad breath, and smelly hair.

I’d like to NOT hack and hack and hack up phelgm during my work hours, where the acoustics in my tiny, empty converted-classroom office creates a sound that reverberates through the entire school.

Notes from my Quit Journal from prior Quitting Days:

“I want to quit.  I know I can do it because I quit before and I can quit it for good.  It’s hard at first but eventually it gets easier and later on, you hardly even think of it.” – Postive, Formerly Rock- Star-Confident Me.

Today when I lifted up my coat, a lighter fell out of my p0cket.  I doubt it was some sort of sign from God, but I took it for what it was worth and threw my lighter into the garbage (I know!  Big move, right?!)  Soon after, my back-up lighter (yeah, I didn’t tell you about that one) came out when I was taking off my coat.  My cigarette box never fell out, but by then I was scared enough to get rid of all of it, seeing as my stuff has never fallen out of my jacket pockets before.

Fresh breath
Clean hands
Fresh-smelling hair that holds onto the smell of the shampoos and conditioners.
Fresh-smelling clothes
Healthy/Active lifestyle changes (run, swim, breathe)

No coughing.  No hacking.  No nasty phlegm spits.
No “morning sickness” – the feeling you get when you wake up and you just feel like you’re going to DIE…

Clean, fresh air.

Time:  5:30 am
Last cigarette:  8 pm, December 11, 2014.
Desire to smoke scale (1-10):  4

About to take a shower to get my mind off of the 1-4 feelings.  Peace out, and thanks for any and all support.

Big Yellow Taxi

Don’t it always seem to go
That you don’t know what you’ve got till its gone
Repave paradise
Put up a parking lot

– Joni Mitchell, Big Yellow Taxi

Living in Detroit

I remember when we used to walk to the liquor store together
Buy pizza and candy
Walk back home eating pizza and smoking the cigarettes we just bought.

I remember when we used to stay up late
Just because we didn’t want to miss out on one second of each other.

I remember when we used to play music with your cousins
Play Need For Speed till 3 am
Smoke till the sun came up

I remember when we used to listen to the sounds of the city
Together in the back yard, facing the alley with its loving graffiti art
And overflowing garbage cans and stray cats.

I remember counting our change
to put gas in your car

I remember caring less about the world
and more about you.

I remember holding hands everywhere we went
Offering each other the best of what we had

and never leaving the other behind.

Nauseous and Happy

Today was a weird day.  I felt very nauseous and a little spaced out.  I felt really hyper this morning, like my mind was going a mile a minute.  Then later in the day, I felt absolutely exhausted.

That happens to me occasionally when my bipolar-ness is kicking in.  I think that may have been what was going on.  Just something to keep track of – I think about how everything spun out of control before my last episode.  I don’t want to go back there.

Life is pretty good right now.  My husband and I are both working, and we are talking about finding a house to buy.  Something with a garage and enough space for the boys.  We’d really like a yard.  With grass.

Kareem starts school next month.  We are going to stay in this area – we have decided that already.  Things are looking up, and I feel satisfied with where I’m at.  Tonight, I’m going to go to bed and in the morning it will be Friday and then I’ll have the weekend to watch movies, hang out with the boys, and catch Breaking Bad on Sunday.

There is more junk on my mind that I want to write about, but it is late and I have to go to sleep.  Good night.