Tag Archives: driving

My OBGYN appointment

OB appt:  8:25 am

Goal for arriving at OB appt:  8:15 am with time to spare.

Intention to prepare, shower, drive cautiously and carefully, all with lots of time to spare.

Reality:  Begin day at 6 am, get through breakfast and school prep with kids, get them on the bus on time at 7:15 am, watch youtube and drink tea till 7:55 am, then check google maps to see how long it takes to get to ob appt.  Freak out, take a five minute shower, throw on clothes and race out the door, peeling out in the driveway while frantically punching the address into my phone.  Drive like hell to get there, only to be stopped by a l-o-n-g train.  Spend a furious amount of brain power in an enraged fury about the purpose and/or usefulness and/or efficiency of transporting stuff by train.

Careen into the parking lot at 8:30 am and arrive breathless at the desk to check in.

Pat on the back for making it on time (i.e. before being charged a fee for being a no-show.) Add an additional hurrah for not having a high blood pressure reading despite crazy use of  daredevil driving tactics.

 

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Driving While Bipolar

Driving while Bipolar is hazardous to your health.

Traffic lights are points of contention.  You are either trapped in the pain and agony of depression, convinced at a dead stop that driving through the red light just might be the solution you’ve been looking for – or you are so lost in your own thoughts that you mistakenly drive right through it.

Okay, maybe that’s just me.  I don’t want to hurt anyone and I certainly don’t desire to run a red light.  But sometimes, I do want to die.

You see, to all the bipolars out there who understand this, I don’t need to explain myself.  But let me explain to those who don’t:  It’s not always a conscious choice.  Sometimes it really does feel like the only right thing to do.  We are fully aware of the troubles and worries we cause those around us (they have their own SUPPORT groups even!) and sometimes, just sometimes, you think to yourself that they would be better off without you.

Last night my husband and I were talking about acceptance.  Acceptance of the fact that I am bipolar.

I’m always trying to think of a way to control my depression, to make it go away, to become something different.  And I constantly think that if I just think hard enough or just try hard enough, I can come up with the solution, as if it’s a math equation with only one answer that I just haven’t figured out yet.

He’s right.  I have not accepted this part of myself yet.  This whole of myself.  I have not accepted that I have an illness, an illness that produces the following obstacles:

Bipolar disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a brain disorder that causes unusual shifts in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. Symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe. They are different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through from time to time. Bipolar disorder symptoms can result in damaged relationships, poor job or school performance, and even suicide. But bipolar disorder can be treated, and people with this illness can lead full and productive lives.

(That last part, I’m not so sure about.)

Sometimes, I can live with the fact that I have bipolar.  I can recognize the symptoms, truly try to cope by doing things that are good for all people, bipolar or not:  exercise, eat right, yada yada yada.  But there are many more times when I just can’t see beyond my own internal struggles.

Having a strong support system is a special blessing I have that some don’t have.  My entire family backs me up and steps in when necessary – when they see the signs I cannot see – and my doctors and therapist appointments and medication help, too.

But most of the time, I fight the disease.  I fight it tooth and nail.  I worry myself almost to the point of death.  And at every stop light, I wonder.