Category Archives: Random

Thank U

I can’t really do stream-of-consciousness writing.  I can’t cause I can’t really post anything without editing it first.  I can’t really write anything without editing it first.  Even when I was in high school my friends would tease me because they’d read my letters and know it was my final draft after several first drafts with errors I’d edited and paragraphs I’d revised.  And these were letters we simply passed back and forth in class, so…

It wasn’t like I was being (or am being) unauthentic, it’s just that I’m really into writing and grammar and it’s really the only way I know how to express myself and I’m also a perfectionist so I can’t just pass a note or even send a text without rereading it first.  Or second.  Or third times.

notes

I saved a bunch of those high school letters in a big box at my parents house and every time I always sit down to go through the whole batch hoping with my Adult Self looking back on my Younger Self with all my new Wisdom and Maturity I’ve acquired over the years that I’d discover some eye-opening revelations about my inner self but this isn’t the case EVER cause it’s always just about whatever boy I was “crushing” on at the time and that gets really boring, really fast.

Do you ever watch youtube videos or read other people’s blogs or books and think about what a horrible writer or performer or whatever the thing is that you like to do or want to do or strive to do is just something that you really suck at?

LikeStickersSparkle

Perfect segway into any one of you who has ever “liked” my blog post.  Cause I wrote for a good solid TWO days of posts in a row this past week, and I got alot of likes.  And by “alot” I mean like ten.  (And that is alot.)  And my email will beep-beep and tell me that I have an email and it will say, “soandso liked your blog post” and I will think, “wow!  Really?  Someone actually read it?!  And not only did they read it but they liked it?”

Now, I recognize that it’s very easy to simply “like” something by just clicking on that little button but I spend alot of time deliberating on the choices of “likes” that I make clicking on that little button.  So if I have ever given you a “like,” it’s because I really did like it.

Now, I also realize that not all readers use the same discrepancy with their likes and so sometimes I forget that and so sometimes I give myself too much credit for getting a like from someone, when I go and look at their work and I realize they maaaaaay just be liking haphazardly and not using the full potential of the like button like I do (as I said, I use strong discretion and it carries alot of weight.)

But then I just like to pretend that they weighed it with as much emphasis as I do and then I get happy again.

Alot of the successful bloggers whose only commonality I have with them is that I started blogging and reading their blogs around the same time that they started blogging and reading blogs have now published books.  And that makes me sad (for me, but happy for them) because then I start to fall into this wistful dream-state of oh-what-might-have-been.

But then that’s just silly because immediately after I start to think, “well, what if that moment is now?” as in, if I start really caring and really trying and really pursuing something then couldn’t I accomplish it five or ten years from now?

Image result for negativity vs positivity

Do you ever think that,too?

Or maybe I would just rather use this blog to track my ups and downs (and mostly primarily all the downs cause that’s the only times I post) and not put all that much effort into it as if it were, like, a career path.  Cause I know that those who become successful blogging or vlogging or what-have-you have only been able to do so through rigorous hard work, that it takes years of dedication and commitment.

And then also there’s the instant “equal and opposite” negative BLAST from inside my inner self that says awful things to me about how I could never be as good as them and you’d never be able to write a book and who do you think you are.  And that force is a pretty strong one that typically takes away whatever sort of wispy winds had entered my sails for a brief second.

Charlie-brown-1-sad

So I don’t know what conclusion this leads me to, but I do know one thing:  I whole-heartedly want to send a big thank you to anybody who has liked my writing.  Cause it means alot to me.  And although I cannot measure the sincerity of your like, I still will receive it as such:  “They like me! They like me!

sally-field-oscar-acceptance.w536.h357.2x

Moving Out and Moving On

I have now selected my new pharmacy (first on the list, of course), my new psychiatrist, my new grocery store, my new gas station, and my new library.  These are all of my essentials.  I still need to find my new nature trails, my new 4 am coffee spot, and my new place to buy milk when I run out, as New Grocery Store is a 15 minute drive away (for those city folk who are confused and/or appalled at this, this is country-living at its finest…)

All of it is…different.  I’m feeling a little reckless lately; all of this change doesn’t necessarily do a body good.  I feel kind of like a fish out of water, and I’m flip-flopping all over the dock.

Mind you, this is the place where I lived for 18 years of my life.  Only I never lived here as an adult until now, with adult needs (oh gawd, that sounds so naughty) like finding a relatively sane pediatrician or locating an oil change place that won’t accidently put washer fluid in my radiator reserve.

Moving out was easy enough.  Moving in was even easier.  It’s the “moving on” part that I’m struggling with.  I feel a little challenged in embracing this new life we’ve created for ourselves.

Although parts of it are great.  Being around my parents, having my son go to the school I grew up in, being close to good friends – I’m excited for that.  My entire support system is now only a moment’s drive away.  And as I mentioned before, there is a new place of worship for me just 15 minutes away from my house.

But there is a part of me that feels a loss.

I spoke with a family friend yesterday.  He was miles and miles away, now living in a country far away from the US.  He used to live right down the block from us.  We used to see him every day, and now it’s months in between our short, rushed conversations (using international minutes makes each phone call too expensive to last long enough).  We were cut off abruptly in the middle of a story about my husband, and I couldn’t call him back.

So I suppose change is all relative.  I need to gain my perspective back and learn how to adjust to this new/old environment.  I need to find myself as an adult here and pave new roads.  I need to embrace this change and create my own niche in this wide, open world.

Google Searching All Readers

Excuse me, could I have your assistance, please?

So, I have a friend* who needs some help finding bloggers who share her predicament.  She has joined an already established family and is feeling the pressures of being a mom to kids that she did not raise (I believe they call it a blended family?).  She feels she’s stepping into their life and not her own, new life.  Do any of you guys know of a blogger (or bloggers, plural) that she could connect with for help?

I could do a search on this, but I feel like my readers and the bloggers in my own pool will know better than a random search.  So I’m calling out to everyone who reads any of my posts or who follows me, to find out if there’s someone out there in the same situation, as I’d like to send you her way.

Thank you.

(*NO – it’s totally not me.  That’s the truth, really.)

Captain Kangaroo

Well, this is going to be a doozy of a day….awake at 3:14 am.  Blogging for 2 hours.  It is now 5:15 am.  I still haven’t made a move to get ready for work, even though I have to shower, prep coffee, make tea, get dressed, eat breakfast, and pack a lunch.  Today is packed full of fun stuff:  four-hour work meeting, heart echocardiogram appointment, and the lovely dinner routine filled with complaints (“Uh…I don’t want to eat this” – says my 6 year old.  “Uh…no want eat” – says my 3 year old immediately after.)

What in the hell am I doing?

Yawning.  That’s what.

Big Yellow Taxi

Don’t it always seem to go
That you don’t know what you’ve got till its gone
Repave paradise
Put up a parking lot

– Joni Mitchell, Big Yellow Taxi

Living in Detroit

I remember when we used to walk to the liquor store together
Buy pizza and candy
Walk back home eating pizza and smoking the cigarettes we just bought.

I remember when we used to stay up late
Just because we didn’t want to miss out on one second of each other.

I remember when we used to play music with your cousins
Play Need For Speed till 3 am
Smoke till the sun came up

I remember when we used to listen to the sounds of the city
Together in the back yard, facing the alley with its loving graffiti art
And overflowing garbage cans and stray cats.

I remember counting our change
to put gas in your car

I remember caring less about the world
and more about you.

I remember holding hands everywhere we went
Offering each other the best of what we had

and never leaving the other behind.

On Writing

I kind of don’t know where to start.

I put off writing because so much time has passed, so many moments missed, so many details I wanted to share but didn’t have time to.  Or maybe I had the time but didn’t trust myself to use the right words.  To keep things positive, to express all the good times.

See, I write for me.  I write to alleviate the stresses and difficulties so that I can keep on keeping on.  So most of my journals are filled with disasterous moments, horrible thoughts, deep down dark secrets that I never want to reveal.

But it’s only because it helps me cope.  And then I can excuse myself from those negative thoughts and get on to take care of things, to keep moving and breathing and living.

So I sometimes feel conflicted about writing on this blog.  I sometimes worry that essentially all I’m doing is COMPLAINING.  But it’s how I process things.  I am not much concerned with the number of hits I get or the number of views or the comments I receive.  What I love, though, is that very thing.  Just the fact that someone took the time to read what I’ve written, and to sometimes have a real person, someone out there who is feeling the same feelings I am, reach out, sometimes from millinos of miles away, just to say, “I understand.”

Now that I’m writing, I want to post and post and post as I do.  I’m sure I’ll again go on hiatus.  But I’ll always come back.  And I’ll always appreciate the friendships I’ve made through blogging.  I know you’ll accept me back.  Because you always do.

House-Hunting? I’d Rather You Set Me on Fire.

“I’m trying to close on a house.”
“Ooooh!  That sounds exciting!” says uninformed co-worker.
…Sure.  I guess that’s one way to describe it.

If you’ve never had kids, you don’t know one damn thing about raising kids.  That’s the truth, plain and simple.  And if you’ve never bought a house before, then you really don’t know.  I’m telling you, you don’t know.

Or maybe it’s just us.  Reassure me that it is not, if it is not.  Because I’m straight up losing my mind right now.

Last night, we were moments away from putting in the offer, and the realtor calls and says, “Highest and Best Offers” by 2 pm tomorrow.  I call Dad up to tell him that news, and he gets mad and calls the realtor to yell at him (which he had promised me he would not do.)

So pretty much, everything is falling apart.  After spending 4-5 hours per day working on this house deal for the past week, neglecting my kids the whole time while pacing the house with a cell phone stuck to my face, all of it is going to boil down to a fizzle.  We’re not going to be able to draft a purchase agreement, we’re not going to be able to put in a bid, all of it will be for naught, and my husband and I will once again be back where we started.  Yet again.

This happened once before already in mid-November of last year.

The positive take on this is that by the time we actually get a home, it will have been such a battle that we will appreciate it all that much more, having struggled so hard to get there.

The negative take on this is I-can’t-do-this-again-get-the-heck-away-from-me-nobody-even-look-at-me-HEY-are-you-looking-at-me-it-looks-like-you’re-looking-at-me-leave-me-ALONE.