I can’t really do stream-of-consciousness writing. I can’t cause I can’t really post anything without editing it first. I can’t really write anything without editing it first. Even when I was in high school my friends would tease me because they’d read my letters and know it was my final draft after several first drafts with errors I’d edited and paragraphs I’d revised. And these were letters we simply passed back and forth in class, so…
It wasn’t like I was being (or am being) unauthentic, it’s just that I’m really into writing and grammar and it’s really the only way I know how to express myself and I’m also a perfectionist so I can’t just pass a note or even send a text without rereading it first. Or second. Or third times.
I saved a bunch of those high school letters in a big box at my parents house and every time I always sit down to go through the whole batch hoping with my Adult Self looking back on my Younger Self with all my new Wisdom and Maturity I’ve acquired over the years that I’d discover some eye-opening revelations about my inner self but this isn’t the case EVER cause it’s always just about whatever boy I was “crushing” on at the time and that gets really boring, really fast.
Do you ever watch youtube videos or read other people’s blogs or books and think about what a horrible writer or performer or whatever the thing is that you like to do or want to do or strive to do is just something that you really suck at?
Perfect segway into any one of you who has ever “liked” my blog post. Cause I wrote for a good solid TWO days of posts in a row this past week, and I got alot of likes. And by “alot” I mean like ten. (And that is alot.) And my email will beep-beep and tell me that I have an email and it will say, “soandso liked your blog post” and I will think, “wow! Really? Someone actually read it?! And not only did they read it but they liked it?”
Now, I recognize that it’s very easy to simply “like” something by just clicking on that little button but I spend alot of time deliberating on the choices of “likes” that I make clicking on that little button. So if I have ever given you a “like,” it’s because I really did like it.
Now, I also realize that not all readers use the same discrepancy with their likes and so sometimes I forget that and so sometimes I give myself too much credit for getting a like from someone, when I go and look at their work and I realize they maaaaaay just be liking haphazardly and not using the full potential of the like button like I do (as I said, I use strong discretion and it carries alot of weight.)
But then I just like to pretend that they weighed it with as much emphasis as I do and then I get happy again.
Alot of the successful bloggers whose only commonality I have with them is that I started blogging and reading their blogs around the same time that they started blogging and reading blogs have now published books. And that makes me sad (for me, but happy for them) because then I start to fall into this wistful dream-state of oh-what-might-have-been.
But then that’s just silly because immediately after I start to think, “well, what if that moment is now?” as in, if I start really caring and really trying and really pursuing something then couldn’t I accomplish it five or ten years from now?
Do you ever think that,too?
Or maybe I would just rather use this blog to track my ups and downs (and mostly primarily all the downs cause that’s the only times I post) and not put all that much effort into it as if it were, like, a career path. Cause I know that those who become successful blogging or vlogging or what-have-you have only been able to do so through rigorous hard work, that it takes years of dedication and commitment.
And then also there’s the instant “equal and opposite” negative BLAST from inside my inner self that says awful things to me about how I could never be as good as them and you’d never be able to write a book and who do you think you are. And that force is a pretty strong one that typically takes away whatever sort of wispy winds had entered my sails for a brief second.
So I don’t know what conclusion this leads me to, but I do know one thing: I whole-heartedly want to send a big thank you to anybody who has liked my writing. Cause it means alot to me. And although I cannot measure the sincerity of your like, I still will receive it as such: “They like me! They like me!”