I’m defaulting to my norm – criticizing myself, hiding beneath a hoodie and cigarette smoke, avoiding others, overly-focused on news events through my typical youtube channels and NYT articles. I’m withdrawing from the world, attempting to avoid what is inevitable. I smell the stench of failure everywhere I turn my head.
I start a new job this week. It’s all I can think of. I am consumed with negative thoughts. My mind is bursting with them, and they’re all pointing at how I’m not worth it, how I’ll never make it, how I’m stupid, incompetent, how they’ll see right through me, how I won’t be good enough.
Tomorrow I’m going to try – really, really, really try – to do something for me. I’m going to write or create or draw or something but it’s only going to be for me and it’s going to be something positive that I can etch into my mind and try to fight back some of these demons. Wish me luck.