I got hit today. By a car. Well, but I was in a car, and so was the driver, and so everything was supposed to be fine. Which it was. Sort of.
Cause I drove away, and no one was hurt. And plus, it wasn’t even my fault. So that, too, was good.
But there was something not quite right about how I felt afterwards. Sure, we said our awkward goodbyes at the scene in front of the cop at the end. And I drove away, adjusting my rearview mirror confidently, knowing I had done nothing wrong to cause this interference in the process of our days.
But then, all of a sudden, I just lose my sh!t. I’m just crying and sobbing and snotting over every piece of clothing I’m wearing, and I’m just like, “woah.” What is happening here?
Everything that I have ever thought of or been concerned about or worried about just comes pouring out in wave after wave, just crashing into the surface, violently, shamelessly, just smash, crash. I don’t even know what the hell is going on.
I try to overcome it, I figure if I just lay down it will pass but it doesn’t pass so I make the WORST choice possible for a bipolar person in distress – I reach for alcohol to numb the pain.
Have I been here before? Yes. Has it EVER EVER EVER helped? NO.
The only saving grace was me calling my best friend, who soothed me and calmed my crashing waves of emotion and swam me carefully back to shore.
I swear, she is what keeps me here.
Tomorrow is going to hurt. Bad. And the next day after that will be even worse. I’m just hoping that the next day after that gets slightly less worse. That’s what I’m shooting for. Wish me luck.