so maybe this isn’t the best format for me to attempt to write on and maybe this is not the ideal time to gather my thoughts and try to put them down on paper but maybe this is the best I’ve got and the closest I’ve come and so here it is and here I am:
Have you ever heard someone say that the only thing they know for sure is that they don’t know anything at all? That sort of sums up the way I feel tonight. I’ve been up and down and around on a whirlwind of emotions since I last wrote.
Number one: I don’t know what I’m doing as a parent. I try so hard yet fail so easily. I have regrets and excuses and I’ve been so off track the parenting train that I don’t even know where the hell I’m headed now.
Number two: I’m lousy. Just plain lousy. I like this word lately. It really pinpoints the emotion and where I’m at currently. I hate everything, I have grievances against everyone, and especially, most of all, I can’t stand myself. Being around myself just makes me cringe and I’d much rather be elsewhere…but I’m not.
Number three: is the ride over yet? I really, really want to get off.
And where would I be and where would I go? To a crowded city and get lost in the alleys? To the coast and throw myself to the sea? To the infinite space above and away from this earth and out into orbit around some distant planet? To the desert where I’d travel for days on end until I succumbed to Death and let it overtake me?
I have no hope.
I used to dream and challenge myself. I told myself someday I’d travel. Someday I’d read poetry on stage. Someday I’d learn to ride a horse. Someday I’d learn to accept myself in my own skin.
I don’t dream anymore. I’ve given up all hope. I’m disappearing, and it is a relief.