No Piece of My Heart

Alright, so I woke up at 3 am.

I didn’t think this would affect my mood.  I didn’t think this would flip my attitude upside down.  I didn’t think I’d be trapped in anxiety for the next 24 hours.

Or, maybe this has something to do with my echo-cardiogram.  It’s taking place today at 1:00 pm.  I didn’t know I had problems with my heart.  I just had chest pains; never considered I’d have heart problems.  Age 32.

And maybe there’s a deeper reason.

You see, Allah is always with me; I am the one that has strayed.

I don’t do my prayers anymore.  I talk about people behind their backs.  I’m sure I do alot of other non-Islamic and/or haram things, too, I just don’t have time (nor do I want to) list them all here.

I’m tired.  Tired of wishing my anxiety away.  Tired of day after day feeling confused, torn, angry.  I feel like I have given up hope, only this is not the first time I’ve felt that way.  I’ve given up hope lots of times.  And the only thing that ever brought me back was the remembrance of Allah.

If you don’t know about Islam and you don’t know the truth about Muslims, you probably are reading this post right now and feeling confused.  What is she talking about?  What is this blog about?  Well, it’s about me.  I am a bipolar disordered Muslim in complete disarray.  Yes, I am  medicated.  Yes, I take my pills on time.  But do I pray on time?  No.  When I pray, I feel it is an act of worship and meditation.  It benefits me and my mental illness and essentially, all the other parts of my life, too.

I’m tired.

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3 responses to “No Piece of My Heart

  1. Sorry to hear about the heart problems, I had terrible chest pains and thought it was my heart as it was mainly on the left side, i was so utterly panicked but it turned out to be costochondritis (bone thing). It must be hard when you don’t feel firm in your relationship with your deity, it sounds like your meds aren’t doing the best job, can you discuss it with your Pdoc?

    • Wow, thank you for your thoughtful response.

      My meds really AREN’T doing a good job. I feel like I just can’t get the Pdoc to listen to me. She’s normally very good with me, as am I with her. Last time I went to her, I told her “this ish ain’t workin'” in so many words, but she just told me to keep taking it. I know when something is up. I’m super irritable, crying spells, the whole works. I just want this ish to be over, I’m tired of dealing with it.

      Oh, McKarlie – forgive me for throwing all this dirty laundry out there, you know how it is when you blog – sometimes it just flies out your fingertips without you even knowing.

      And now I’m even angry for sharing! This is truly laughable.

      • Goodness no you havent overshared or been awkward or anything, its ok to not be ok all of the time :)

        I would have a serious talk with her and tell her you seriously need a med adjustment, from what you have described its either your meds arent working or there is past trauma causing you dramas now. I hope your pdoc listens a bit better next time

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