I’m sorry. Will you forgive me?
I abandoned you when you were only 2 months old. I left you for a stay in the hospital. Mommy didn’t take her meds. Mommy didn’t visit her doctor. Mommy got sick.
I had to leave you at home, while I got better. I meant to be there for you. I meant to hug you and hold you and feed you and clean you and clothe you and comfort you and snuggle you. But I couldn’t. I wasn’t there.
I was stuck in a hospital bed. The night I was carried away, you were asleep. You didn’t hear Mommy’s screams. You didn’t see Mommy being put into the ambulance. You didn’t hear the ambulance pull out of the yard and take Mommy far from you.
You cried for Mommy’s milk. It was all you had known in your two little months of newborn-ness. Daddy warmed up bottles, carried you around, coaxed you to eat, comforted you to fall asleep. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help. I was in a psychiatric bed, pumping your milk with a manual pump, crying and sobbing because I couldn’t give it to you.
I am hurt by the time I have lost with you. Nothing will bring that time back to me, and now it is lost forever. Sometimes I fear that you have not forgiven me. Afraid you won’t ever forgive me for abandoning you at such a vulnerable time.
If I could go back and fix it, I would do it in a heartbeat. If I could rewind time, return to my pregnancy, fix my meds, visit my doctor, prevent everything that had happened that led me into a psychotic episode, I would. I would, but I can’t.
Ya Allah, please help me to accept it. Please help me to forgive.