Barely ate breakfast. Spilled coffee in my car. Forgot to transfer the car seats. The only thing getting me through today is the plan to take off all my clothes, crash onto the couch, cover up in a big fuzzy blanket, and sleep for as long as I possibly can before the kids start jumping on my head and begging for milk or juice or fruit snacks or a new DVD.
The only way I’m surviving this week is through distractions. Any moment I have where I’m not taking care of the kids, I am distracting myself with books, TV, DVDs, computer, anything I can get my hands on that can help me turn off the world, get rid of reality and allow me to soak in a tub full of diversion.
I’m not sure what I should do at this point. I feel like it’s almost just the right time to check myself into a hospital, but I haven’t accepted that fate yet. I’m still trying to trudge through this mess, most likely on a crash course to my own destruction. I want to get off this train. I feel like I’ve been dropped into a dark lake, dropped right in the exact center of it so that it’s the same distance to the shore no matter which way I swim. And I’m stuck treading water, not knowing which direction to go. I’m tired of trying to keep my head above water, my muscles ache, I’m already gasping for air. I’m ready to give in to gravity, allow myself to raise my hands up above my head and let myself sink down under the surface. I feel like I owe it to myself after struggling this hard for so long, not even attempting to get to shore, just simply doing my best simply to breathe.