Painful steps

key in lock

My eyes open but I am not awake.  My body stands up, but I remain in bed.

Eventually, I realize I am in the car and I am driving.  I listen to the soft drumming of the guitar and the tinny hum of the harmonica that once pressed against Bob Dylan’s lips to make the recording I’m listening to today.  I feel nothing.  I desperately desire to feel something.  I tug at the hood on my head and nudge it forward to fully close off what surrounds me.

I pace forward.  Each step is hard work.  I follow the procedures at work – turn on the lights, plug in the machine, push here, pull there, click-click goes the key in the lock.  Inside my mind a dullness sets in.  It makes a quiet buzzing noise, enough to distract me from anything occurring around me, causing me to have to strain and lean in and ask “can you repeat that?”

I keep breathing in and out – a sign of life.  I am able to crawl along with my duties, just enough to get by.  Soon I will leave to the comfortable space of my car.  I may linger longer in the car when I return home.  Maybe I’ll watch the rain fall onto the windshield for a while.

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