Went to the cemetery today.
It didn’t feel as I thought it would feel. It felt like sadness. And it followed me. All of those dead souls. And all the millions and millions and millions of them since the beginning of time itself.
And Allah keeps track of all of them – knows their entire lifetime of each and every soul – closer to us than our own jugular vein (Surat Qaf [verse 16] – And We have already created man and know what his soul whispers to him, and We are closer to him than [his] jugular vein.)
And with all the weirdness I’ve been experiencing, I started to feel like I shouldn’t be there. And the feeling got stronger the longer I stayed. And I read the names of people and I saw the things people had left for their dead relatives and I saw a freshly dug grave and I saw fresh dirt on top of one, new grass at a different length than the rest of the grass and I saw one with the years close to my own age and I saw one with a wooden cross as a marker with their name painted on it who had just been buried 2 months ago.
And one had five colored pictures taped to it all lined up in a row, drawn by five little kids expressing their love to their deceased mom.
I had thought I would be reminded of death – thought I’d be reminded of life and God and the finality of it all and the temporary nature of life itself – but instead I just felt sick to my stomach and a bit lost and somewhat confused. And maybe it was the four cups of coffee I drank, maybe it was the caffeine that was making me feel so strange and fuzzy, like cotton was stuffed through every inch of my body.
I have been getting really, really tired lately and I feel afraid. And I feel like it would be a struggle to try to have a normal conversation with someone. The exhaustion thing just will not go away. It happens where I will be feeling halfway normal and then all of a sudden, I get this intense wave of exhaustion, so powerful that I have to close my eyes and steady myself to keep me from crashing to the ground and falling asleep right then and there. Like I absolutely have to sleep or I won’t be able to survive another second.
Then it goes away, just as suddenly as it started, after about 3-5 minutes.
I feel like I am in a fog and that I’m not really myself and that I’m not really here. And maybe I should take a Klonopin or maybe I should take a walk but I feel like I’m a little bit crazy. And that makes me feel very nervous. And what if I am? Could it happen like this again? Ann says no – it won’t. That the medicine will keep me from going too far one way or another. But I feel so disconnected. I feel like I’m not really where I am.
I can’t think clearly and it feels like I’m fumbling around in the dark. And I’m scared someone is going to approach me and know and I’m afraid I will do something that I’m not supposed to do and I feel that way so strongly that I’m kind of expecting it. Like the time I went into the Subway restaurant with all my papers and binders and pens and asked them to turn on some music and instead they called the cops. And the cop arrived and asked me what I was doing and I said I was just looking for someplace to work and she said you can’t work here and I said okay and I left and walked back home.
I’m kind of expecting something to happen like that.
Or maybe I will just disappear for hours and not know where I was or what happened. And my husband will be out searching for me and he will spot me on the side of the road and I will run to him and get in the car and he will say “where on earth were you?” and I will say to him “I don’t know” and I will mean it. And I will be calm and he will be concerned and then once we were home everything will just spiral out of control and I’ll continue to spiral out of control and it will get worse each day until I wind up back in the hospital again.
And I don’t want to go through that again. I really don’t.