I don’t have the energy to edit this so I’m just going to post it as it is.  I’m tired and I’m beat down and this is what I wrote.  I hate poetry, I think I really suck at it but maybe someone will find something in reading this.  Here it is:

As I look in your eyes I have to apologize you see Mommy is sick sometimes and doesn’t feel right, doesn’t feel like herself in a mind that’s tied up and tight.  Mommy feels nauseous, confused, bottled up and abused.  I wish it wasn’t this way; I wish my words could express what I want them to say but it just doesn’t happen like that, my words come out twisted and flat, flat on my face I fall but you’re the reason I get up at all.  My mind’s twisted balled up like fists you help me each day to exist I look to you for my inspiration i’m sorry I brought this division it wasn’t mine to decide but know that I’m on your side forever and ever I will be I pray you’ll be with me through thick and through thin I’m so glad you’re my kin to love me even though I’m not me Your shining eyes are all that I need
to show the love that I need
please don’t ever you doubt the love that we share
you will and always will be my only favorite pair
you pull me along each day
and you show me the way
to express what I need you are the reason I bleed
with every heart beat I plead for you to always be
happy whereever it leads
please God make sure my kids never see
the grueling pain that exceeds
with every breath that I breathe
I want them always to know even though I can’t always show
how much I love them inside
I pray they always can find
a space to love me and sigh
I never want them to see
their Mommy’s pain that she feels
a scab that never will heal
an open wound that won’t seal
with every step that I take
and every moment I fake
to try to see through their eyes
the harshness that I put in their minds
of mommy holding her breath
to try to take one more step
one foot in front of the other
how can they call me a mother
when I don’t even feel them
their hugs don’t even connect
their smiles don’t even affect
the fucking mood that I’m in
the world continues to spin
out of control even when
I try to halt it and then
it comes down crashing around
and makes me fall to the ground
they beg me please mommy stand
won’t even try to pretend
that I can
Please God make them understand
it’s not for them that I cry
I have a pain I can’t mend
a fierceness I cannot bend
or change in any way
no matter how much I pray
Don’t lose the hope in your eyes
don’t listen to mommy’s cries
and in the morning I’ll rise
and make sure your lives comprise
of a love that won’t die and even if I am gone
you’ll know you won’t be alone


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