Feeling Contemplative

I remember when I was about seven I used to love riding in the car when it was raining.  I would watch the raindrops fall against the window, and I would be entranced by the traces they made, as they moved along, pushed by the wind into little trails, separating and converging in whatever paths they were destined for.

When I was fourteen, at night my best friend and I used to lay on the trampoline in my backyard, staring up at the stars.  We wouldn’t speak – we didn’t have to – and instead we’d just lay there, watching the stars, observing the night sky, perhaps waiting for that one falling star that would shine in the night.

I wish I had someone that could tell me what I should do.  When you’re a child, all your decisions are made for you.  I need someone to step in and not only give me advice, but guide me to the right answer.

I’m far from Allah.  In my life right now, I don’t know who I am.  I’m not taking care of myself.  I’m not praying.  I’m not eating right.  I smoke cigarettes like someone’s going to take them away from me.  I’m not me.

Lost.

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3 responses to “Feeling Contemplative

  1. my unsolicited advice? trust yourself. things may not make sense now, but your heart will move you where you need to go. best as you can forgive yourself and let that pressure lift. i went mad last year trying to push the hand of god. thinking if my anxiety/frustration/discontent was high enough a change would come. i pushed hard from my emotional core. every day. it took a toll. for me, the answer was to let go, take it easy, step away from my life. i needed drugs. you may not. but i’m drug-free today and much, much closer to where i’m supposed to be. if there is such a place. best wishes on your path.

  2. This reply made me tear up – the part that says “your heart will move you where you need to go.” I can’t look at myself in the mirror – I don’t have the nerve to stare into my own eyes. I’m not sure where I went, but I am certainly not here. Thank you for responding. It has helped.

  3. You can make things move. It’s in your hands. But don’t rush or pressure yourself- take things step by step.

    I wish I was a kid again and have other people make the right decisions on my behalf…

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