I turn up to the skies and ask Allah for help
Allah the Creator of all things in the heavens and the earth
Help me figure out right from wrong
and guide me on the path that is straight.
Protect me from shaytan and his evil whisperings
And allow me to have your guidance and blessings.
Why am I not praying?
Why am I not praying?
Prayer to me is, in a way, an act of meditation. To me, it’s more of meditating with Allah.
You know, some people fear hearing Allah’s name used. Some people don’t even like when you refer to God. The world has become scared of religion.
One day I was sitting on the couch, quietly minding my own business, when suddenly a strong bolt of lightning struck and thunder pounded firmly in the skies. It made me jump and in that single moment of fear I said to myself, “Oh God.” We rarely get that feeling in this life, that feeling where you are scared, such as in the moment before a car accident, or perhaps you have a heart attack, clutching your hands to your chest you say to yourself, “oh God.” And it’s in that moment that your true belief comes out. Not what you tell yourself you believe, not in the labels we give ourselves, but in the true depth of your consciousness, what you really truly deep down feel in the pit of your cold heart.
I’m tired of fearing my religion. I’m tired of putting the dunya before my religion. I fear Allah, not the people. I fear Allah, not the dunya. The world might be scared of religion, but if I’m truthful to myself, then so am I, because these are the things that keep me from my prayers.
“Look for your heart in three places: when listening to the Qur’an, when seeking knowledge (of Allah) and when in privacy. If you cannot find it in these places, then ask Allah (swt) to bless you with a heart, for indeed you have no heart.” -Ibn Qayyim al-Jawziyyah
What is the state of your heart?
As I get stronger and rebuild my life from where I landed after the breakdown I had, I am spending more time learning more about Islam and having a stronger interest in Islam again. Maybe not to as quite an extreme sense as I was when I was losing my mind, but in a moderate, more solid basis.
Ever since I came to Islam, I’ve struggled with the hijab issue. It’s not a question of whether I agree with it or not, as I whole-heartedly love hijab and think it is an important signifier of a muslim woman, a proud expression of her own identity, but I still have not made that identity fully my own.
As much as I love hijab, I shy away from it because I’m just not confident enough to wear it and not care what others think. That sounds so hollow to write it out that way, but that is the deep down truth of it. If I didn’t care what others thought, if maybe I lived in an area that wasn’t 100% non-muslim, would it be easier for me to wear it? If I had a stronger hold on Islam, would I be more inclined to wear it and not care about others, only on Allah? I don’t know.
One thing I do know is that I’m not alone in this struggle. There are other converts like me who have the same internal jihad as I do with whether or not to wear hijab. Some may say to me, “it’s just a piece of cloth” but before you put on that piece of cloth, no one pays any attention. Once you put it on, you are marked as a muslim. It creates interest, intrigue, curiosity. In some cases, it creates anger in others that perhaps do not understand our religion and religious beliefs.
I know when I wore it before, I felt people’s stares. And they did stare; I wasn’t just imagining it. Like I said above, it can create curiosity. Which is a good thing, but can I handle the extra attention? I’d like to say that I can, but I just don’t know if I’m strong enough yet…