A Little Real

I’m going to need to get a little real here.  I’m done copying others’ words and ready to put it all into my own.  This was inspired by reading some mooshinindy posts from the selections under “Depression”.  I don’t quite know how to be real right now as that is part of what I am struggling with inside myself.  All I know is that I feel anger.

Deep, red anger.  And sadness.  Deep, blue sadness.  And beyond that is beyond me.  I’m not sure if any other emotions exist outside of just those two.  But I keep those quiet and to myself because that’s what you’re supposed to do.  You’re only supposed to share those in safe places.  And to me, the internet is probably the least “safest” place.  But maybe under cover of darkness, under the cover of anonymity, I can find some protection, some safe ground.

My kids scream and I can’t help them.  My kids cry and I cry with them.  I’m in a debilitating depression that grips my very soul and I pretend everything is okay, because I HAVE to.  I HAVE TO.  Does anyone understand that?  I MUST.  For them, for me, for my extended family.

Why do I feel this way?  Anyone have an answer?  I feel a powerful force to continue to shrug my shoulders at the very least and reply, “I’m fine.”  Alhumdulilla.  Thank Allah.  But inside I’m raging.  I’m raging because I’m not fine.  I’m not fine in the least.


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