Monthly Archives: March 2012

Group Therapy

Made it through my first group therapy session.  Found a glimmer of hope in the fact that there are others who are more similar to me than I thought.  Depression, anxiety, worrying.  There are others like me and its going to get better.  That’s what the one person told me.  Everyone tells you that, but when she looked in my eyes after hearing her speak and she told me, it made me think that because she has been there, been there and gotten through it, that I, too, can do the same.

Advertisements

Normal

Normal is walking to the store to buy something.

One foot in front of the other.  Normal is smiling at people approaching you on the sidewalk.  Normal is wearing jeans.  Normal is walking carefully to avoid running into poles.  Normal is handing your credit card to the attendant and saying “credit” when she asks “credit or debit.”  Normal is saying “thank you” when she bags your items.  Normal is walking out the door and pushing next to the sign that says “push.” 

Normal is making it back home in one piece. 

Postpartum and Me

It’s sunshiny outside but its dark in the house.  I keep it that way because that’s what I’m feeling inside.  Part of me says, “OPEN those curtains, honey!  Warm yourself with that sunshine!” and I tell that part of myself to shutup.  It’s the part of myself that I know is right but that I can’t listen to right now.

The baby is crying and I let him cry.  I will get there.  I will get to him and he will be fine.  I don’t know if I can be fine for him, but he will be fine.

And this was today…

I know there are good days…

This was one of them:

DE-press-ion

Depress.  To depress.  To bring down upon.  That is what is happening to me.  That is a perfect word to describe what is happening to me.
I am debilitated.  I am in a debilitating circle of immobility.

I can overcome this.  This too shall pass.

I hate hearing that.  I hear it so much from so many well-intentioned people.  I know it’s true, but I just can’t hear it right now.

But again, I refuse to let this pressing depression beat me.  So I do know that this will leave again.

A Little Real

I’m going to need to get a little real here.  I’m done copying others’ words and ready to put it all into my own.  This was inspired by reading some mooshinindy posts from the selections under “Depression”.  I don’t quite know how to be real right now as that is part of what I am struggling with inside myself.  All I know is that I feel anger.

Deep, red anger.  And sadness.  Deep, blue sadness.  And beyond that is beyond me.  I’m not sure if any other emotions exist outside of just those two.  But I keep those quiet and to myself because that’s what you’re supposed to do.  You’re only supposed to share those in safe places.  And to me, the internet is probably the least “safest” place.  But maybe under cover of darkness, under the cover of anonymity, I can find some protection, some safe ground.

My kids scream and I can’t help them.  My kids cry and I cry with them.  I’m in a debilitating depression that grips my very soul and I pretend everything is okay, because I HAVE to.  I HAVE TO.  Does anyone understand that?  I MUST.  For them, for me, for my extended family.

Why do I feel this way?  Anyone have an answer?  I feel a powerful force to continue to shrug my shoulders at the very least and reply, “I’m fine.”  Alhumdulilla.  Thank Allah.  But inside I’m raging.  I’m raging because I’m not fine.  I’m not fine in the least.