Family Ties

Just went to take a break to get away from it all.  It was good for my spirit.  But I still feel a rottenness inside me that doesn’t seem to want to let go of me.  Shaitan?  Anyone else have an experience like this?  Where some kind of deep-rooted depression grabs hold of you and won’t seem to let go?  Alhumdulilla, I have so many blessings.  Sometimes I wonder to myself ‘why is this happening?’  Why?  What is the purpose?  But I know Allah knows best.

I want to hold my baby and love on him and I just don’t feel it – it is like there is just so much illness inside me that I can’t see clearly.  And sometimes I can.  And sometimes I cannot.  But I want to feel happy when he smiles.  And I want to feel the warmth, the good stuff.
This is starting to feel like the writings of some teenage angst so I will stop now.  It is late, I have been up all night.  Insha’allah the air will feel good on my skin when I leave the house.  Driving away from the house and having another break will feel good, also, so that I can insha’allah return refreshed and more like the mommy I know that I am inside.

Again, I post this without review, without edit, without period at the end of the sentence


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