Just went to take a break to get away from it all. It was good for my spirit. But I still feel a rottenness inside me that doesn’t seem to want to let go of me. Shaitan? Anyone else have an experience like this? Where some kind of deep-rooted depression grabs hold of you and won’t seem to let go? Alhumdulilla, I have so many blessings. Sometimes I wonder to myself ‘why is this happening?’ Why? What is the purpose? But I know Allah knows best.
I want to hold my baby and love on him and I just don’t feel it – it is like there is just so much illness inside me that I can’t see clearly. And sometimes I can. And sometimes I cannot. But I want to feel happy when he smiles. And I want to feel the warmth, the good stuff.
This is starting to feel like the writings of some teenage angst so I will stop now. It is late, I have been up all night. Insha’allah the air will feel good on my skin when I leave the house. Driving away from the house and having another break will feel good, also, so that I can insha’allah return refreshed and more like the mommy I know that I am inside.
Again, I post this without review, without edit, without period at the end of the sentence