I have taken some time off of work to regroup.
Perspective. I feel as though my blog posts are my time to work out all the craziness that is jumbled up in my mind. To spew it all out onto the page, so that I can find out what it is I am hoping to say to myself. Most of the time I don’t have anything figured out until it is looking back at me from the screen. Blogging is my therapy.
I have a problem relaxing. It can be difficult for me to clear my head when I attempt to pray. I start by shutting the door, dimming the lights, and laying out my prayer rug. I cover my head with a long, heavy, black scarf. I kneel down on the floor, close my eyes, and block out the noises in the background. So that it is just me in the room. And Allah who is Everywhere.
And then I stand up and start my prayers. Sometimes the life of this world interrupts my prayers. I hear a noise in the other room or the cat scratching at the door. My son is shouting in the living room or my husband is fixing something in the house (that probably didn’t really need fixing.) I go back to my prayers, repeating the words, focusing hard on their meaning. I remember Allah and I remember that I am a Muslim. Sometimes, I cry.
I feel refreshed afterwards. I feel renewed. I thank Allah for the gift of worship. The ability to feel the closeness of Allah, to feel His presence, His greatness. Ashadu alla ilaha illallahu, Wa ashadu anna Muhammadan abduhu wa rasooluh.
Several weeks back I was in sujud and I prayed for Allah to show me what I should do. To guide me, to pick me up, to allow me to hear Him and understand.
I went to a conference yesterday and I carpooled with a lady I work with. She talked about the ups and downs in her life, how at some points she had wealth and at other times she had nothing. But her perspective was the same regardless. She said after a certain point she stopped struggling against life and started to accept where she was. Instead of trying to force everything in her life to fit how and where she wanted it, she stepped back, relinquished control and accepted it. She stated that “it is much easier to swim with the current than to fight against the current.”
A close Christian friend of mine and I were discussing the struggles of living our lives in a secular world. I expressed to her all my fear, my worries, my deep conflict with the direction my life was heading and what I wanted out of it. She has a beautiful talent to express herself through her religious education and she often makes poignant statements that bring me back to the Right Way. She reminded me that the life of this world is only temporary. It is our test. God gave us the tools [our respective books] to guide us on the Straight Path. He never said it would be easy. But He is with us always.
I have taken more notice lately of the trees changing colors. The shade of blue of the sky mid-morning. Birds – the way they fly. I listened to the songs they sing. I watched a sunrise. I experienced a sunset. If any of you reading this are experiencing similar inner jihad, I strongly recommend you do the same.
Allah is the All-Knowing, the All-Aware, the All-Seeing. He is the Creator.
17:96 (Asad) Say: “None can bear witness between me and you as God does: verily, fully aware is He of His creatures, and He sees all [that is in their hearts].”
42:27 (Asad) For, if God were to grant [in this world] abundant sustenance to [all of] His servants, they would behave on earth with wanton insolence:  but as it is, He bestows [His grace] from on high in due measure, as He wills: for, verily, He is fully aware of [the needs of] His creatures, and sees them all.
For more on the 99 names of Allah, please click here.