Monthly Archives: October 2010

I Am Here

I have taken some time off of work to regroup.

Perspective.  I feel as though my blog posts are my time to work out all the craziness that is jumbled up in my mind.  To spew it all out onto the page, so that I can find out what it is I am hoping to say to myself.  Most of the time I don’t have anything figured out until it is looking back at me from the screen.  Blogging is my therapy.

I have a problem relaxing.  It can be difficult for me to clear my head when I attempt to pray.  I start by shutting the door, dimming the lights, and laying out my prayer rug.  I cover my head with a long, heavy, black scarf.  I kneel down on the floor, close my eyes,  and block out the noises in the background.  So that it is just me in the room.  And Allah who is Everywhere.

And then I stand up and start my prayers.  Sometimes the life of this world interrupts my prayers.  I hear a noise in the other room or the cat scratching at the door.  My son is shouting in the living room or my husband is fixing something in the house (that probably didn’t really need fixing.)  I go back to my prayers, repeating the words, focusing hard on their meaning.  I remember Allah and I remember that I am a Muslim.  Sometimes, I cry.

I feel refreshed afterwards.  I feel renewed.  I thank Allah for the gift of worship.  The ability to feel the closeness of Allah, to feel His presence, His greatness.  Ashadu alla ilaha illallahu, Wa ashadu anna Muhammadan abduhu wa rasooluh.

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Several weeks back I was in sujud and I prayed for Allah to show me what I should do.  To guide me, to pick me up, to allow me to hear Him and understand.

I went to a conference yesterday and I carpooled with a lady I work with.  She talked about the ups and downs in her life, how at some points she had wealth and at other times she had nothing.  But her perspective was the same regardless.  She said after a certain point she stopped struggling against life and started to accept where she was.  Instead of trying to force everything in her life to fit how and where she wanted it, she stepped back, relinquished control and accepted it.  She stated that “it is much easier to swim with the current than to fight against the current.”

A close Christian friend of mine and I were discussing the struggles of living our lives in a secular world.  I expressed to her all my fear, my worries, my deep conflict with the direction my life was heading and what I wanted out of it.  She has a beautiful talent to express herself through her religious education and she often makes poignant statements that bring me back to the Right Way.  She reminded me that the life of this world is only temporary.  It is our test.  God gave us the tools [our respective books] to guide us on the Straight Path.  He never said it would be easy.  But He is with us always.

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I have taken more notice lately of the trees changing colors.  The shade of blue of the sky mid-morning.  Birds – the way they fly.  I listened to the songs they sing.  I watched a sunrise.  I experienced a sunset.  If any of you reading this are experiencing similar inner jihad, I strongly recommend you do the same.

Today.

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Allah is the All-Knowing, the All-Aware, the All-Seeing.  He is the Creator.

17:96 (Asad) Say: “None can bear witness between me and you as God does: verily, fully aware is He of His creatures, and He sees all [that is in their hearts].”

42:27 (Asad) For, if God were to grant [in this world] abundant sustenance to [all of] His servants, they would behave on earth with wanton insolence: [31] but as it is, He bestows [His grace] from on high in due measure, as He wills: for, verily, He is fully aware of [the needs of] His creatures, and sees them all.

For more on the 99 names of Allah, please click here.

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Can You See Anything Wrong With This Picture?

There is definitely something wrong with this picture.  I feel my entire life is completely out-of-whack, unbalanced, not sustainable.  I devote 100% of my energy into the things I do not care about deeply (work) and nothing is left over for the things I do care about deeply (Allah, family, and life).  The life of this world has wrapped me up tight in its tornado and I have to find a way to escape.

Things are going to change.  Things are going to get better.  I won’t settle for this any longer.  I wish I hadn’t let it go on for so long, but at least now I am starting on the path towards something better.  I feel sick.  Got to keep moving.

Is There Anybody Out There?

I haven’t posted anything nor responded to any comments on this blog for a long time.  I am not quite sure why.  Perhaps it is because life got busy.  I had my baby, who is now already 2 years old.  I’m working full-time (and then some).  Perhaps it is because I made the blogger’s ultimate-decision:  to share with family or not to share?  (I shared.)  Perhaps it is because I have not been close to my Muslim identity, not as close as I was throughout my pregnancy.

I have been struggling spiritually lately and I realized that part of my inner jihad comes from my lack of access to other Muslims going through the same things I am.  I know you are out there, I know how to get to you, but I have neither the time nor the resources to reach you.  Except through this blog.

When I was blogging, hearing from other Muslim readers and bloggers was such a support to me.  Living in an area (as many of us are) with a low population of Muslims, it has become much more difficult for me to find time to reflect, pray and worship with others who know, understand and care about the same things that I do.  I always felt a strong support from the online community of Muslim bloggers, and I am hoping to re-connect with some of the Muslims (and new sisters and brothers) that I used to converse with when I used to maintain this blog.

Forgive me for my absence and my desertion of “Ace is the Place.”  I truly desire to make more regular visits to this blog, not only for the support and friendship it has created for me, but also to provide guidance and wisdom to those who may be new to Islam and still learning their way around.

Thank you to those who return, and welcome to new visitors.