This post is an extension of the previous post “How to Start Your Prayers.”  Please note that I did not write this section myself – it is written by a member of ummah.com who calls herself “dhakiyya.”  She gives good advice as to how to start the prayers as a new muslim.

Establishing five daily prayers
________________________________________
Establishing five daily prayers is no mean feat. If you have converted from an irreligious or nominally religious background, you may never have done any kind of regular worship before. Even if you have, Islam requires considerably more devotion than a good many religions. Praying five times a day means a lot more remembering to pray and organising your day than going to church every Sunday morning. Then you have to pray at the right times too. Its not just five prayers at any random convenient times. You can download prayer timetables from http://www.islamicfinder.org/ and the best advice would be to print out a copy month by month and keep one stuck to your noticeboard, in your handbag or anywhere convenient so you can refer to it as necessary.

It is not advisable to attempt to do all five daily prayers right from the time you take your shahada. Islam was revealed to the first generation of Muslims gradually over a period of 23 years. The first Muslims became Muslims when they stated their belief in One God and the revelation of Muhammad  – for much of those 23 years they still drank alcohol (Allah had not yet revealed the verse forbidding it) and did not yet pray five times a day (that came with Muhammad’s  night journey.) Allah revealed the Qur’an gradually to give the new Muslims a chance to adjust to the new lifestyle. New Muslims of today are given the same leeway. Practicing Islam is a huge change, and its far better to take it step by step and keep practicing than to try it all in one go, get totally overwhelmed and then upset with yourself because you failed to keep it up, and end up giving up altogether. To quote one scholar: Islam is a medicine that cures mankind. But to take it all in one go is to overdose and that can be fatal.

It is hard to balance taking things slowly with the common human inclination towards laziness. I have outlined a system by which you can gradually introduce your five daily prayers with minimum room for laziness. (Though if an inclination towards laziness is something the shaytaan is whispering into your heart, its still possible to succumb even with the best system so you’ll have to stay on your guard.)

Start by looking at the times for the five daily fard (compulsory) prayers and picking one (or two if you are feeling confident) that you think will be the easiest to stick to. If you have already shown your boss your nice shiny new Islam certificate and s/he has already found you a prayer room, it might be an idea to start with the Dhur (early afternoon) prayer. (If the idea of showing your Islam certificate and asking for a prayer room fills you with horror, Dhur might be the last prayer you decide to establish.)

Once you have picked your easiest prayer time, establish that prayer. Endeavour to never forget to pray that prayer, and try to make sure you always pray it on time. If you slip up, don’t worry, pray it late. Better late than never! (even if its over 24 hours late.) I have found out from personal experience that it is far better to pick a specific prayer than to simply state you will pray once a day and pray the prayer that is most convenient on that day, because as well as building up the number of prayers you do each day, you are also developing the self discipline to remember to pray on time and reject any whisperings of shaytaan telling you that you can do your prayer a bit later.

Once you have fully established the one or two prayers you picked to start with, so that you rarely, if ever, forget to do them, pick another prayer time and establish it in the same way. Don’t increase the number until you are regularly praying the ones you have picked already and feel they are a part of your daily routine. Gradually work your way up to five in this way. Don’t start adding Sunnah (extra) rakats (units of prayer) to your prayer unless you are confident that you can cope with them. Doing the Sunnah rakats is the next step after you have established the five fard prayers. It is important to do the Sunnah rakats as well as the fard prayers – but don’t try to run before you can walk.

Don’t get the impression that you have to be perfect in one prayer before you add new prayers to your schedule, you will never be perfect. When you are praying each prayer on time most of the time and you feel it is part of your daily routine, that is when you add the next prayer. Don’t wait until you never forget. For some of us, that could be forever.

As you increase the number of prayers, you will find that you may have to adjust your daily schedule to fit your prayers in. This is a good thing to do. The prayer times are reasonably flexible as to not require too much rescheduling, but it is far easier to remember to pray if you have built prayer times into your daily schedule than if you are just trying to remember that you have to pray between particular times. Remembering to pray will always be more difficult when things happen that disrupt your daily schedule, just remember – better late than never.

If you are physically handicapped or have medical problems (e.g. a back injury) that makes praying standing up very hard, you can pray sitting down, or even lying down. The same applies for temporary illness as well as long term conditions.

Women who are menstruating don’t pray, similarly women who are experiencing bleeding following childbirth. This is a concession to women, and I’m sure you’ll appreciate this concession most when you are recovering from childbirth.

Learning how to pray

Prayer in Islam is not simply a matter of putting your hands together and talking to Allah. You can talk to Allah any time you like, this is called “making du’aa” (supplication) and you don’t have to put your hands together or do any other ritual to do so. You can make du’aa anytime, anywhere and you don’t have to be in a state of ritual purity to do so. However, it is strongly advised to be as respectful as possible to Allah as the situation allows. If you are making du’aa whilst you are halfway through falling off a cliff, Allah will understand if you are not able to be in the appropriate state of purity or put much thought into what you are asking, for example. 

Salat, the ritual prayer, requires following a specific ritual which includes different positions, different supplications to Allah and reciting part of the Qur’an in Arabic. For someone who knows no Arabic, this is understandably a very daunting thing to have to learn to do. You should not delay attempting to establish regular prayers until you have learned the full prayer, you should simply do the best you are able at the time. As you start to establish your first prayer, you should try to improve your prayer a little at the time (as much as you can manage) from day to day. Whilst you are learning to pray, it is perfectly acceptable to recite some or even all of the supplications in English, until such time as you can memorise the Arabic. There is actually quite a lot of Arabic you have to memorise before you can pray correctly. Another way to go about this, if you want to recite the Arabic right from the start, is to write out the Arabic transliteration and stick it on the end of your prayer mat, so you read it whilst you are praying. You can also do the same with instructions to remind you what to do at any point in the prayer. This is better than learning part of the prayer in English because reading the Arabic helps you to memorise it, but the most important thing is that you are doing the best you can to pray as well are you are able. If saying bits of the prayer in English helps you to do this, then that’s what you should do.

Knowing how to pronounce the Arabic, even with transliteration in front of you, is a big challenge. Arabic has ten consonants that don’t exist in standard English, and no matter how well a book describes how to make those sounds, the only way to learn them properly is to learn from someone who speaks Arabic extremely well (especially if they are a speech therapist), or even better is an expert in Tajweed (the science of correct recitation of the Qur’an.) If your local mosque runs Tajweed lessons for beginners, sign up as soon as you can; as well as learning the correct pronunciation of the Arabic you need to learn, you will meet Muslims who can help, support and encourage you and you will be able to learn much more Qur’an much more quickly.

If you don’t know anyone who would be able to help you, the next best thing is to get a CD or other recording of the Qur’an being recited. This won’t help you so much with the supplications, but at least it gives you a very good idea of how the Qur’an should be recited. It won’t give you feedback as to whether you are pronouncing all the sounds correctly, but it will tune your ear in to what it is supposed to sound like. Failing all that, you will have to rely on transliteration but again, so long as you are doing the best you can do, it is okay.

As well as learning how to recite correctly, it is important to know the meaning of what you are reciting. As you learn to recite each new bit of Arabic, try to remember the meaning of what you are reciting. You are not an Arabic parrot, you are a human showing your devotion to your creator. 

It is preferable to get a Muslim friend to teach you how to pray. They will be able to show you so you can copy, hear you recite and correct you as necessary and generally encourage and help you to learn. If you don’t have such a friend, there are a few websites that have good illustrated sections on how to pray. here is one for starters I’m sure other good ones will be posted in due course inshaAllah.

http://www.islamicfinder.org/prayer/index.html

Part Five of Seven in the “Am I Muslim?” series for New Muslims.

I remember when I first accepted into Islam.  One muslim that I knew handed me a simple prayer book with the words “Salah” sketched on top.  He explained to me that the prayer was THE most important aspect of Islam.  He stressed that I needed to learn to pray first and foremost, above all else.  He encouraged me to start that very same night. 

Five years would pass before I would take up his advice.  Five whole, entire years.  I wanted to pray – the desire was there – but I didn’t.  I still don’t know why I waited so long.  I remember feeling that I couldn’t do it, that I wouldn’t be able to keep them up, so I didn’t try.  I remember making feeble attempts but being too afraid to do them in public, or around my friends, so I stopped trying.  I made thousands of excuses, but that was all they were, excuses.  I knew in the back of my mind that the only way I was going to get back in touch again with Allah was for me to begin my prayers.  It was the only way I could properly honor Allah for all He had given to me – for guiding me to Islam, for providing for me and my family, for being with me each and every day, closer than my jugular vein.  To bow down in worship, to show respect for Our Creator. 

Once I finally started visiting the masjid and seeing other Muslims around me praying, I knew it could be done.  But I still felt scared, I still felt it was an impossible task.  FIVE times a DAY?!  It seemed like I would never be able to do it.  I didn’t even know how to speak Arabic, how was I supposed to say the prayer?  I recall standing there in the masjid, frozen in fear when the adhan (the call to prayer) started to be recited over the speaker system.  Everyone in the masjid stopped what they were doing and we all started shuffling out the door up to the prayer hall.  A thousand thoughts ran through my mind – should I leave?  No, I can’t.  Should I try?  I don’t even know what to do or say.  What should I do?

The force of the women rounding the steps up to the prayer hall prevented me from making a mid-walk dash to the exit door.  I fumbled my way through wudu (the ritual cleaning you do before prayer) with the help of another sister (who I am still friends with today!) and clumsily entered the line.  I tried to focus on Allah as I followed the others’ motions, trying hard not to look as though I had no idea what I was doing.  It seemed so complicated, how was I ever going to remember when to do what?

The next week I returned.  The topic of the meeting was “salah.”  It was a sign to me that Allah was not about to let me drop out now.  The Imam met with us to answer questions, and while he was busy answering very specific, detailed questions about the salah, I timidly raised my hand and blurted out:  “What if you don’t know how to pray?”  I immediately turned red in the face – which led to me trying to NOT turn red in the face (which always results in even MORE blood rushing to my countenance and forcing more embarassment.) 

The Imam reassured me that it was okay not to know, and that everyone has to start somewhere.  He told me I could say it in english until I learned it in Arabic (in fact, that I should say it in my native language first so that I would be sure to understand the meaning of it.)  I asked him what was I supposed to do when everyone went to pray – since I didn’t know how to do it.  He said that Allah scans the hearts of everyone in prayer and knows their devotion.  He said as long as my heart is in worship, Allah will see that and accept my prayer.  He said I could say “Allahu akhbar” over and over in my prayer and that would be enough, as long as I felt the words I was speaking.

I breathed a sigh of relief.  I had always thought the prayer had to be done perfectly, and that Allah would not accept my prayer otherwise.  I was afraid to try it because I felt I would fail.  But the Imam’s words reassured me that Allah knows us and is patient with us.

That night when I went upstairs for the prayer, I asked the woman next to me if I could follow along with her, since I didn’t know how.  She seemed more than happy at my request, and I felt more comfortable not feeling as though I were merely going through the motions.

I finally felt like a Muslim.  All of the past five years, I knew I believed in Islam and I knew the Qur’an was a direct message from Our Creator.  I was sure of that.  But I never felt like a Muslim like I did when I started to pray.  Every day I pray, I feel lighter and I feel closer to Allah.  I feel right again.  I value the prayer in that it is not for Allah – it is for us.  He does not need us to worship Him – it is for our benefit. 

Because the prayer is done five times throughout the day, not much time can pass in the day before I am again in connection with Allah, reminding myself of Judgement Day, reminding myself that He alone is the only one who controls what goes on, and he alone is the only one to guide us on the right path.  I am reminded that the life of this world is only temporary, and our true reality will be brought to our consciousness after death.  The greatness of Allah is beyond our human comprehension.

The original point of this post when I started was not just to tell my story, but to help a person to know how to start the prayer.  I feel there are many, many sites and information online for someone to learn the actual prayer itself, but it is best to learn from another Muslim (if at all possible, although I completely understand that for alot of us, this may be nearly impossible, especially if you don’t know any other Muslims in your area.) 

One article I had read in the discussion groups at ummah.com really inspired me and helped me to start the prayer.  It really broke down for me the idea that I HAD to know and do all five immediately and if I didn’t do all five in the day, then I shouldn’t even try cause it simply wouldn’t be good enough.  So I would like to direct you to this article, as it provides the advice I would like to pass on to you about starting to pray.

The article is found in the New Muslims Support Group area of the ummah.com website.  This section is not open to the public, so I am not able to link you to the post.  I will add it as an additional post to this topic. 

Starting the prayer may seem like a difficult task, but its benefit far outweighs the difficulty you might be imagining.  I always thought that I had to be perfect in order to pray, but I realize now that learning to pray is simply a process, just like learning another language.  No one automatically knew how to pray, everyone learned how at some point.  You have to start somewhere to gain the knowledge of the actions and the words, and the meaning and significance will come to you as you progress.  As long as you are dedicated in your heart to Allah, Allah will see that and accept your prayer.

Note:  Next week for the “Am I Muslim Series” I have scheduled to post “Five Ways to Strengthen Your Faith.”  However, I am in the process of moving and I am unsure whether or not our internet will be available on this coming Monday.  So if you are waiting for the next segment of the series, be patient and as soon as I have internet again I will be posting.

I tried to come up with something to write about today - but I just don’t have it in me.  The one thing that is on my mind right now is my mother.  She fell yesterday and she broke her collarbone.

My mom has been sick for a good part of my life – she has Lyme Disease and was diagnosed when I was only five years old.  In those years, she was bed-ridden and the image I remember most was of me laying on the living room floor, coloring her get-well pictures out of my Care Bears coloring books while the visiting nurse gave her IVs.  I remember my mom smiling at me with only half of her face when she lost the nerves in her left side. 

You would never know what she went through if you met her today.  She is so strong and competent and driven.  Every season she has been out in the field beside my father, driving the plow, unloading the beet harvester, delivering seed to the plants.  She never slows down and she never stops, and they are a team.  Without each other, they would be lost.

Which is why this is so hard on her right now.  She deals with the pain of a broken bone – she won’t even fill her pain prescription.  It’s not the broken bone that is breaking her down; it is the fact that the injury occurred exactly one day before harvest season.  My dad is out there in the field alone, and she is at home, alone.  They are separated for the first time in the middle of the busiest time of the year, and she feels completely inept at not being able to help him, to carry out her duty of farming alongside her husband. 

And there’s not anything I can do to ease that for her.  I can offer her comfort, I can send flowers to cheer her, I can call to make funny jokes and try to make her laugh.  I try to tell her everything happens for a reason and a purpose.  But she doesn’t hear me.  I can see as I watch her eyes that her mind is going to be halfway in the field, feeling regret and remorse for her condition. 

Her whole life she has been strong.  She could have given up at any point in her struggle; I feel any normal person probably would have in the face of her obstacles.  But she will not give up and she hasn’t.  So although she can’t be where she wants to be – I just hope that she allows herself time to heal.  I will always admire her for her strength and determination.

Note:  Part Four of Seven in the “Am I Muslim” series for new muslims.

My actual first trip to the masjid occurred while I was in college, doing research for a religion class.  I remember I was asked to wear a headscarf (and provided with one) and was guided into the women’s section of the masjid, which was behind a thick wall, blocking all view of the Imam.  I went into the masjid with an open mind, but seeing the separation (not to mention the very small area that the women were crammed into) was upsetting to me.  The woman who was guiding me through the masjid continued to make excuses for the situation, but I just wasn’t convinced.  I didn’t blame it on Islam – I already knew the religion stressed equality among the sexes – but I did feel that it was a situation that should be changed.

The second time I entered a masjid was as a muslim.  The masjid I went to was nothing like the first one I had attended.  I saw right away that the prayer area for the women was placed on a second floor, so that the women had full view of everything that was happening and a clear view of the Imam.  This seemed so much more appropriate and as a woman, I felt much more comfortable in this environment.  But this time was different, as I wasn’t just there to make observations and leave.  This time I was there as a Muslim, as a member of the community – or so I desired to be.

Luckily my experience was wonderful.  I was welcomed into the masjid so easily – there was a meeting organized just for people like me – new muslims who were unfamiliar with the masjid or perhaps with the religion of Islam itself.  We discussed all kinds of things openly and freely, the Imam came to meet with us to welcome us and answer questions, and we were placed on an email list for further communications. 

But not everyone has a similar experience.  Some who visit the masjid may feel alienated or distant from others.  Some may be too scared or nervous to even attempt a visit.  It can take some time before you are ready to make that the first step outside of your comfort zone.

I’d like to help you on your journey with knowing what to expect from your first visit, and how to have the best experience possible in order for the masjid to become a comfortable place of worship.  It seems that every masjid has a different “feel” to it.  Some are more family-oriented, with programs for kids, outdoor community gatherings, and after-school activities.  Others are more individual-centered, with less discussions and more educational activities, avenues for gaining more knowledge about Islam.  So if one masjid doesn’t seem to fit with your personality, keep looking and perhaps you will find one that is more suitable for your lifestyle. 

But all masjids are there for a place to worship, so the prayer hall is probably the most important area of the masjid.  It can help if you have a guide, someone to help you through on your first trip.  All you would have to do to arrange this is to call the masjid, introduce yourself, and ask them for help.  This way you will know exactly where you will be going when you first enter, and you won’t be like me who wandered around for 5 minutes before getting up the gall to ask someone where the meeting was!  If you want to go there just to pray, it won’t be difficult to find your way around, as this is usually the central ”hub” of the masjid. 

Another bit of advice is to get to know your Imam.  The Imam has alot of connections and knowledge about the activities and schedules of the masjid, so he can be your number one resource for answering any questions you may have.  They usually have time periods set aside for things like this, so you can call just to ask when the Imam is available to meet with you.  This can be a great way to introduce yourself to the masjid.

There is a great list of masjid etiquette and customs written by a fellow blogger.  These posts on Masjid Etiquette are so concise and well-written that I refer you to them now, as there is no better way to guide you on this issue than to direct you to this site and helpful posts.  (Click here for the follow-up post regarding masjid etiquette.)

One more thing I want to point out is this:  It’s okay if you make mistakes.  There were a couple of things that I completely overlooked when I first visited – I forgot to take off my shoes in the prayer area.  I passed in front of someone praying.  I left too much space between myself and the next person praying.  I entered the prayer at an inappropriate time.  I made all kinds of mistakes.  But the best part was that I learned as I went, and others helped me along the way.  It’s okay if you don’t know everything there is to know about Islam.  It’s alright if you don’t know all the proper things to do or say.  You will learn and then someday it will be you teaching another who may not be aware.

The best benefit I have found of being at the masjid is praying in congregation.  There is nothing like being a member of a community of people who believe in exactly the same things you do, who believe in the oneness of Allah and believe in the Qur’an as a message from Allah.  To pray alongside another who prays the same as you, to be a part of such an environment does wonders for your soul.  For years I stayed away from the masjid because I was too afraid to step outside of my comfort zone.  But since I started regularly attending the masjid and praying in congregation, my imaan (faith) has improved beyond anything I could have expected, and in such a short amount of time.  Knowing other muslims and reconnecting with a religious community has helped me to strengthen my faith as I have wanted for the past several years. 

So I wish you luck and I encourage you to try going to the masjid.  Ask Allah for help if you are nervous and know that Allah is with you always.

This concludes Part Four of the “Am I Muslim” series.  Look here next week on Monday for some guidance on “How to Start Your Prayers.”

While packing up my cluttered room during our move, I had stumbled upon the neat, clean boxes of old board games that my sisters and I used to play.  I had some of the best from our collection:  Sorry, Husker Du, Guess Who, Trivial Pursuit, along with some uncommon ones:  Girl Talk, M.A.S.H., and Mother’s Helper.  Still shelved at my parents’ house were the classics:  Monopoly, Hungry, Hungy Hippos, and CLUE. 

I remember when I had brought them back to my house, only to find that forcing my husband to play wasn’t nearly as fun as having my older sisters together again to reminisce with me.  The games were slow and monotonous compared to board games of today such as Cranium or Apples to Apples (our new favorites.)  My husband whined and complained the whole time, and while I tried to feign excitement and suspense, I too, was bored of these boring board games.

So again they were boxed up and put back into storage, where they would collect more cobwebs and dust than they had when I first pulled them out from the basement closet at my parents’ house. 

All the memories these board games ignited in my mind led me to one in particular - a somewhat recent memory between my husband and I.  A few years ago we had been cleaning out his closet at his parents’ house when we discovered his old Monopoly set.  It was in impeccable condition - all of the perfect green and red houses were still enclosed in their tiny plastic zip-loc bags, red-orange chance cards and bright-yellow community chest cards still in his possession.  The money was neatly lined up in its carrier, perfectly aligned for the “bank teller” to conveniently resume their position.  And even all the original metal pieces – the dog, the hat, the thimble, iron, ship, horse with rider, shoe, car, wheelbarrow and cannon – all still tagged and bagged in their original plastic bags. 

I couldn’t believe the memories that lay across that big, bright board, all the memories contained in those tiny, silver pieces.  If I were to play the game with my sisters today, I knew immediately the pieces they would chose.  I knew who would inevitably obtain the Boardwalk/Park Place combo, and which one would proudly acquire a humble hotel on Baltic Avenue.  The day my husband and I retrieved his Monopoly game from the closet, I dragged him away from his Need for Speed video games and forced him to play with me.  And with his acceptance, I introduced him to the strange tradition of my sister and I:  The Crappy Twenty. 

Always in my family’s collection of games there existed a less-than-desirable playing piece, card, or item that was damaged in some way, shape or form.  Whether it was a “Number Two” Sorry card that was stained green from spilled kool-aid, or a favorite Chutes and Ladders player that (in an act of revenge) had had its eyes poked out with a pencil, there was always one particular piece in a set that no one wanted.  In the cherished Monopoly set at my parents house, the defect could be found in a single, green $20 bill.  Somehow this bill had become so disfigured and discolored that it was now barely recognizable as such.  The game inside the game was to continue to pass this bill to the other players (either secretly or openly) and basically not be the one who has it in their possession – as this person was the player of ridicule throughout their duration of ownership of the appropriately named “Crappy Twenty.” 

When we broke open my husband’s set and I deliciously tore open every perfectly unopened package and untouched piece, I knew I had to introduce a crappy twenty.  While usually the despicable items would develop of their own accord, the perfection of this set wasn’t going to allow for that, especially since I knew that my husband was not about to rack up the years of game-playing that this set deserved.  So to fast-forward to the desirable outcome, I turned my back on him in the middle of our game, and unknown to him proceeded to destroy one crisp, new $20 monopoly bill.  I crumbled it up in my hands, I sprinkled water on it, I tore pieces out of it. 

Perhaps I took it one step too far.  In my excitement, I grabbed a lighter off of his dresser.  I intended only to “slightly char” or brown the tips of it.  But in my attempt I accidently lit the twenty on fire.  I immediately panicked and turned around to face him, waving this bill and sending sparks floating all over the room. 

He immediately grabbed it to put it out, but not before the crappy twenty had officially become what it was intended to become – a charred, discolored, disfigured mess.  My husband thought I was crazy – not only did I purposely destroy something of out of his flawless set, but I also almost started a fire in his house!!  But it created a memory.  As soon as we were finished and I had placed that twenty back in the pile, I had re-created a tradition and introduced a memory of our own.
What memories do you have of old board games?

I have been feeling very unsettled lately.  This comes in waves, so I’m sure it will pass, but knowing that doesn’t ever seem to alleviate it.  This morning I had a dream that I delivered the baby – only to find that it wasn’t crying or anything as I held it.  No one was around and I felt like there was something that needed to be done, but I didn’t know what it was.  A nurse came in at that point and slapped him on the bottom and that sent him crying (and breathing).

I seem to have lost all the motivation that I originally had when Ramadan started.  I don’t know what happened.  They say that the shaitan and all his army are locked away from us during Ramadan, but I don’t understand how that can be true because I still feel as though he were right next to me half the time, distracting me from my prayers, keeping me from the masjid, pushing me to go to bed when I could have read Qur’an.  I feel as though I am losing a battle with myself.

We are moving into our new home and so I have been busy packing and trying to organize everything.  There is so much to do and the tasks seem overwhelming.  Even more overwhelming is our financial situation, which is destined for doom in the coming months.  We are searching desperately for a new job for my husband.  I have had such a difficult time sleeping – I’m not sure whether that is because of the uncomfortableness of pregnancy or the fears whirring around in my head.

Alhumdulilla – things are just changing and I have to learn to deal with that.  I still feel better when I pray, even though I have been missing them left and right, astagfirallah.  Insha’allah this chaos will wind down soon enough and we can return to some kind of normalcy.  For now, though, my posts may be few and far between, although I am still going to make my best effort. 

Please keep me in your prayers.  Alhumdulilla – tomorrow is yet another day.

Note:  Part Three of Seven – “Am I Muslim?” Series for New Muslims

This can be one of the most challenging things you will face as a new Muslim.  It will probably take a long time before your family is able to fully accept your decision.  This takes alot of patience from you to allow this time period of adjustment to pass and for them to adjust to the new change in you.  Their feelings will vary – they may feel angry.  They may feel hurt.  They might feel happy for you but also confused about your decision.  They might be worried about you, afraid you made a wrong choice.  Whatever their emotions, it will take time for them to process your decision.

So, how do you tell them?  Well, my first advice is to be prepared emotionally.  If you are fairly new to Islam and you are still learning the basics of the religion, or perhaps if you are still not 100% sure that you are ready for Islam in your life, then wait until you are ready before you tell them.  This is important because you want to be secure and strong before you tell them, that way they will know that you are serious, and also so that you will be able to have the knowledge in case they want to ask you questions about Islam. 

Take time to express yourself before you tell them.  Do it the best way you know, whether that means sitting down to write a letter or talking to a trusted friend (who already knows of your journey to Islam).  Doing these things will help you to get familiar with what you are feeling about this obstacle.   Figure out how and what you want to share with them.

When you are ready, ask your family (or do it one-on-one with each member) to sit down with you.  Tell them how you feel.  Be open and honest in sharing your feelings with them.  Tell them you want them to understand how you’ve changed, but that you are still the same person you always were, just that your beliefs and lifestyle have changed.

Try to be patient with their reactions.  Allow them to have time to let your decision “sink in.”  They may have questions for you, or they may not be ready to ask questions.  This will be different for every family.  If they are angry at your decision, it is best to let them be alone – it is not necessary to push them to talk about it.  Wait until they are ready to come to you.  Also, you don’t need to tell them every detail of the religion.  Instead focus on the positive changes Islam has enabled you to make in your life.

Know that whatever happens, Allah is with you.  Ask Allah for help during this time.  Turn to others for support.  It can be a very scary time, but know that it gets easier as each day goes by.  Be strong and be proud of yourself for taking this difficult step in the path to Islam.

This concludes Part Three of the “Am I Muslim” series.  Look here next week on Monday when I will be covering “Your First VIsit to the Masjid.”

Going to the masjid has benefited me in so many ways.  Every single time before I go, I am hesitant.  I think of excuses not to go:  “I’m feeling kind of tired today.  It’s a long drive.  I can go next week.”  It is because I still make mistakes when I’m there.  I still don’t know how to do certain things.  I still feel too “new.”

But before all the excuses take over, I remind myself that there has not been ONE time that I have regretted going.  So instead, I focus on all the feelings I get whenever I go.  And that is what gets me into the car and on my way.

The ladies there are fantastic.  There are so many kind people, just very decent, honest, warm, friendly people.  I used to be afraid of other muslims.  I used to think that they could see through me, that they could smell the “newbie”-ness emanating off me, see the lack of knowledge in my eyes, hear the nervousness in my voice. 

But after my first visit, I realized that they are just normal people like me, trying to do their best in the world, trying to do right by their kids, trying to live the way we were intended to live. 

Subhanallah – I have only gone a few times and I have gained so much from it.  I have gotten so much information from the lectures.  I have learned the prayer and now can pray in congregation.  I have found a muslim pediatrician for my baby!  I have received books, lectures on CDs, and best of all – I have gained muslim companionship. 

I understand now why there are so many parts in the Qur’an that urge us to be around other Muslims.  It has increased my faith so much, just knowing that you’re not alone, that there ARE others who live their life the way Allah has guided us to live.

Last Friday I went to listen to a brother talk about the month of Ramadan and how the Qur’an was first revealed to Muhammed (salallahu alayhi wa salaam).  After that we had iftar – there was so much food, masha’allah.  I couldn’t believe how much food people brought – it was such a wonderful meal.  We all sat around and talked and laughed and kids were runnng in and out of the room and everyone was in such good spirits. 

Afterwards, we all went to pray Isha prayer.  The prayer room was packed full – there was no space left!  There were so many people and we all prayed together, it was amazing.  All different races of people from all different walks of life – all praying the same motions, the same words, praising Allah.  I had never experienced anything like it.  After the prayer, everyone stayed and chatted some more.  People I had never seen before came up to introduce themselves.  There was so much activity going on, so many people, so many children.  It felt so nice to be part of such a wonderful community of people. 

I have spent so many years feeling alone, feeling as though I were the only one who knew about Islam, the only one who wanted to practice Islam, wanted to pray, wanted to change my lifestyle.  I wondered how I could ever live my life as a Muslim.  I finally found the strength I needed through this community of people who are so dedicated to the true nature of Islam – a religion of peace and prayer and acceptance and kindness and oneness. 

I can already feel my fear and hesitancy diminishing with each time I visit.  The masjid is starting to feel more and more like home.

After reading “And Baby Makes Three” over at bessie.viola, I had a flood of emotions regarding my own marriage and new baby experience.  Early on, I felt as though we were “inviting” this new link to our twosome.  We had thought about it, agreed upon it, decided it, put our faith in Allah and said “alright, let’s make it happen.”  But as my waistband expands and my idea of a good night’s rest begins to deteriorate, I am starting to feel less and less “inviting” and more and more “forced,” as though I am now being pushed and pulled towards parenthood rather than running carefree towards it through a field full of sunflowers.

Everyone tells us it will change you, it will change your marriage, it will change your feelings towards your husband.  Some warn “enjoy the time you have now” and “it only gets worse” or “it’s downhill from here.”  Say good-bye to restful sleep and quiet dinners together with hubby.  I know in some element they are telling the truth.  But what about all the moments in between?  Besides, I’m still convinced that it won’t happen to us, that we are immune to the stresses that parenthood will bring, that we are too civilized with each other to fall into the deep pit of resentment.  That we know each other too well to let that happen.

But who knows the changes that will come about when this new being enters into our world.  Already I am starting to feel the “aches” – backache, headache, heartache.  Delivery (which I’ve conveniently locked out of my consciousness the entire duration of pregnancy) is getting closer and closer, looming on the horizon.  Knowing what I alone am going to have to suffer through brings about some strange and unfamiliar feelings.  Starting to feel as though MY life is going to be shaken and stirred, while my husband’s is going to only be mildly swayed from side to side.

But the truth of the matter is that we both have to go through this together.  We both have to discover a new way of communicating.  One that allows us to get out our frustrations (but without tearing each others’ heads off in the process).  One that allows us to act civily to each other (no matter what curse words we’re rattling off inside our own heads). 

We haven’t been introduced yet to the stress, the sleepless nights, the worrying and the forgetfulness and the havoc and chaos that is parenthood.  But in the preview beforehand, the nine months of pregnancy and the dreaded third trimester, I am starting to see a pattern emerge that I think we can both deal with. 

Just when I think it’s going to be too much, just when I think I’m about to break, that I can’t hold it in any longer, that I can’t stop myself from the curt comments, the meanness that slips in, the derogatory, spiteful, hateful, resentful, aggressive language that teeters just under the surface – he goes and does something so downright perfect that it all seems to get washed away. 

This is the picture he sent to my phone yesterday.  It had a little music with it, and the heart grew in size as the music played…

When I got home the other day, the dishes were all washed and put away, the laundry was started, and the entire house was vacuumed. 

Every morning when he comes home, we greet each other with a kiss and a hug.  From there, who knows how the day is going to go: who’s going to snap when the garbage needs to be taken out, who needs to feed the cat, who gets control of the remote, when it’s time to go to bed and the garbage STILL needs to be taken out.  But then who cares about all of those things when you crawl into bed together again and look at each other and feel a baby kicking in between you both.  It is something that makes all the rest of it seem like nothing but background noise….and I realize that we DID choose this for ourselves, and parenthood suddenly doesn’t seem so impossible.

It is late at night here – 2:20 am.  I am up reading the translation of the Qur’an, as this is usually the time when I get most of my reading done.  It’s not that odd for me to be up this late – my husband and I often are up late into the night as he works the midnight shift, so even on his days off, we end up keeping that same irrational, unnatural flip-flop of our nights and days.  But it is quiet in the house.  And he is asleep.  And so here I sit, desk lamp illuminating the 1/30 of the translation of the Qur’an designated for this 9th day of Ramadan. 

I’m still not finished, but there were a couple of things that popped up in my mind and I had to get them out.  My first thoughts came to me when I read an ayat about having children:

7:189 It is He who created you from a single person and made his mate of like nature, in order that he might dwell with her (in love).  When they are united, she bears a light burden and carries it about (unnoticed).  When she grows heavy, they both pray to Allah their Lord, (saying):  “If Thou givest us a goodly child, we vow we shall (ever) be grateful.”

7:190 But when He giveth them a goodly child, they ascribe to others a share in the gift they have received:  But Allah is exalted high above the partners they ascribe to Him.

The commentary in this particular Qur’an, translated by Abdullah Yusuf Ali, says more about this ayat: 

 “The mystery of the physical birth of man, as it affects the father and the mother, only touches the imagination of the parents in the later stages when the child is yet unborn and yet the life stirs within the body of the expectant mother.  The coming of the new life is a solemn thing, and is fraught with much hope as well as much unknown risk to the mother herself.  The parents in their anxiety turn to Allah.  If this feeling of solemnity, hope, and looking towards Allah were maintained after birth, all would be well for the parents as well as for the rising generation.  But the attitude changes, as the verses following show.

When the child is born, the parents forget that it is a precious gift of Allah – a miracle of Creation, which should lift their minds up to the higher things of Allah.  Instead, their gradual familiarity with the new life makes them connect it with many superstitious ideas or rites or ceremonies, or they take it as a matter of course, as a little plaything of the material world.  This leads to idolatry or false worship, or the setting up of false standards, in derogation of the dignity of Allah.”

When I found out I was pregnant, my desire to become stronger in my religion increased dramatically, because all I could think of was that I was now responsible for another human being, and I wanted them to be a good muslim, but how could they if I was not setting the right example myself?  So I reached out at the masjid and got to know my fellow muslims and got to know the prayer and helped to strengthen my faith in Islam.  These are things I had wanted to do for years, but I had never taken the first step until after becoming pregnant.

So my first inclination after reading this ayat was to say, “Oh, no, but that’s not me.  My faith will stay strong even after the child is born.”  But after reading the commentary, I thought to myself that perhaps I should be less arrogant about my intentions, and instead stay humble and accept this message from Allah graciously. 

Right now I am praying and going to the masjid and spending time with other practicing muslims and making a strong effort to be more religious for me and my family.  Right now I do pray that the baby is healthy and good and when I pray I express my gratitude to Allah. 

A child is such a blessing and an important part of our lives – and it’s easy to become obsessed with the baby and therefore with this worldly life.  But it is important not to place the things of this world above Allah.  There is a passage in a book called Do’ful Eemaan (“Weakness of Faith”) by Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Muajjid that talks about the symptoms, causes, and cures of weak faith.  One of the causes of weak faith that he mentions is “being preoccupied with one’s wealth, wife and children.”  He goes on to state that “if the love of these things…is given precedence over obedience to Allah and His Messenger, then it is regarded as being bad, but if the love of these things is within the bounds of shariah (Islamic rulings), it helps a man to obey Allah and in this case it is praiseworthy.” 

So all of this is not to say that children are bad – no, parenthood is good for us as it can increase our emaan in positive ways and help us to raise children with good morals - so long as we do not let our children pull us or distract us from completing our religious duties.  (In fact, parenting in itself according to Islam is its own act of worship.)  This goes along with what Abdullah Yusuf Ali said in his commentary – that if the good feelings the parents have during the time the child is in the womb, such as feelings of “solemnity, hope, and looking towards Allah” were to be “maintained after birth, all would be well for the parents as well as for the rising generation.”

So after the baby is born, I must strive to maintain my relationship with Allah – seeking Him for guidance and not neglecting my religious duties – praying and giving charity and going to the masjid in order to keep up my emaan.  I want to do these things and I intend to do them, but this ayat is a good reminder not to let myself digress into my old ways, and also not to take the child for granted or put the child as the focus of my life, instead of Allah.

On another yet similar vein, today I felt how easy it is to fall into the trap of neglecting the prayer.  Just today I didn’t feel like praying Isha prayer.  I had woken up late, about an hour past the time.  And I thought to myself that I wasn’t going to pray this time, I just wasn’t going to.  And it is so easy to fall into that, and the minute you miss one, the next one is even harder to complete.  That pull towards laziness or forgetfulness or whatever it is can be so strong – pulling you off the path.  It is so easy to become lax in attitude about the prayer.

I remember I felt angry when I woke up, and that was my reasoning for not wanting to pray – I didn’t feel like it because I felt angry and annoyed at life in general.  I even had it in my head before I even fell asleep that I wasn’t going to do the Isha prayer.  I can’t believe that I can become so weak so quickly, when I know that just missing one or two prayers is enough to send me back to not praying.  That is what I worry about with the baby, because it will be much harder to maintain my prayer at that point, and I don’t want to lose it.  I want to keep up the prayer no matter what – but it is going to be difficult.  Insha’allah I will be prepared for it. 

 I’ll end this post with the last ayat of Surah Al A’raf (or “The Heights”): 

7:205  And do thou (O reader!) bring thy Lord to remembrance in thy (very) soul, with humility and in reverence, without loudness in words, in the mornings and evenings; and be not thou of those who are unheedful.  2:206  Those who are near to thy Lord, disdain not to do Him worship:  They celebrate His praises, and bow down before Him.

May Allah help us to keep up with our prayers and to continue to strive in His Way.