Category Archives: Uncategorized

Looking Up

Sometimes I wish I was young again.

Going up north to visit my mother in physical rehabilitation has taken its toll on her and me.  I’ve come to realize that my recovery and hers have marked similarities; one being that it is painfully slow.  I want so bad to be better, just to snap my fingers and have all the pain and the agony taken out of me, the sadness that is my depression.  But it lingers on.

Another similarity between us is that we have to keep positive attitudes if we’re going to survive.  The negativity and negative thoughts are so prevalent; it’s hard to ignore their power.  They surge in like waves of the ocean, sweeping in suddenly and powerfully, and it takes those small reminders to keep yourself above water.  One great big powerful antidote for me is my little baby:

He’s my little optimistic sunshine to each day.

Passing Away

Someone in my husband’s family just died today.  Suddenly and unexpectedly.  It’s such a shock when this happens.  I’m still not sure if I have fully accepted it.  I knew him – not well, but I knew him.  Another funeral.  It’s a part of life, I know, but it still doesn’t stop the shock wave that hits you when you realize that person is not on this earth anymore.  They are just a body now, their soul in the grave awaiting Judgement.

Ya Allah Yerhmo, Rafi.  We will miss you.

Normal

Normal is walking to the store to buy something.

One foot in front of the other.  Normal is smiling at people approaching you on the sidewalk.  Normal is wearing jeans.  Normal is walking carefully to avoid running into poles.  Normal is handing your credit card to the attendant and saying “credit” when she asks “credit or debit.”  Normal is saying “thank you” when she bags your items.  Normal is walking out the door and pushing next to the sign that says “push.” 

Normal is making it back home in one piece. 

I know there are good days…

This was one of them:

DE-press-ion

Depress.  To depress.  To bring down upon.  That is what is happening to me.  That is a perfect word to describe what is happening to me.
I am debilitated.  I am in a debilitating circle of immobility.

I can overcome this.  This too shall pass.

I hate hearing that.  I hear it so much from so many well-intentioned people.  I know it’s true, but I just can’t hear it right now.

But again, I refuse to let this pressing depression beat me.  So I do know that this will leave again.